


Close Your Eyes and I'll Kiss You (Tomorrow I'll Miss You)

by SimplyUndead



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: American!Dan, Angst, Beach Holidays, Beach House, Bottom Dan Howell, British!Phil, Dan Howell and Phil Lester Are Teenagers, Dan has a bit of a praise kink, Dan is american, Dan is your basic white boy, Dan questions his sexuality, Day At The Beach, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Friends With Benefits To Lovers, He also loves kanye west, I lied there is a smidge of sadness, Im here for a good time, Lighthearted, M/M, Making Out, More angst than i originally intended, Nothing drastic will occur, Nothing too bad dont worry, Phan - Freeform, Phil is british, Phil is nerdy, Possible homophobic slurs, Praise Kink, Sexuality Crisis, Skinny Dipping, Smut, Summer, Summer Vacation, Top Phil Lester, Walks On The Beach, Which isn't different from real life, i think, no sadness, very happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-18
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-07-15 18:49:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 37,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7234405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SimplyUndead/pseuds/SimplyUndead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summertime was the best time, if you asked either Dan Howell or Phil Lester. It was sunshine, catching waves, and no worries. When their paths cross, however, that all changes, and before either of them notices, summer becomes much more.</p>
<p>** title credit: All My Loving by The Beatles **</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. one

Summer was Phil Lester's favorite season. Of course, he loved Halloween in autumn, Christmas in the winter, and the smell of fresh life in the spring, but none of that could add up to the sunny season. Summer was hot days at the beach and long nights spent laughing with his sister.

The Lesters consisted of Phil, his parents, Penny and Timothy, and his sister - who was one year his senior, and would never let him forget it - called Madeline. Every year the small family would fly all the way from Manchester, England to the United States. South Carolina, more specifically.

The Palmetto State, which got its name because of the tree, was a second home for them, a beautiful contrast to Rainy, England. As soon as school let out every May, just like clockwork, the family would pack up, board a plane, and fly across the Atlantic to a gorgeous city called Charleston.

And this time was no different.

They stood outside the Charleston airport, hands full of luggage and waiting excitedly for the airport shuttle to pick them up and take them to a car rental store.

"This is so exciting," Penny jabbered, scanning the buildings with wide eyes.

"We come here every summer, mum." Madeline reminded, but her voice was twinged in excitement. This place could never lose it's awe, Phil decided.

"But it's never tiring," Phil nudged his sister's hip with his own, sighing happily. 

"Finally, come on, kids," a deep voice spoke up, wonder lurking around the edges of its gruff sound. 

"Hardly," Madeline murmered to Phil, a reminder that she was no longer a child. After all, she would be off to university in the fall, and then it would be Phil's turn the following year. Perhaps he would attend here.

They took their seats on a cramped bus, suitcases in their laps uncomfortably, but nothing could seemingly wipe the smiles from their faces.

"Why do I have to hold your bag?" Phil whined as his beloved sister piled it on top of him.

"I'm older," came her oh-so-valid reasoning, but another second later and he was already thinking about the crashing waves against the shore.

When they had finally gotten a car rented and were descending the fifteen minute drive from downtown Charleston to Folly Beach, Phil found himself unable to sit still. It was no secret that he loved this place.

"Oh, calm down, would you?" A voice came from his left, at first masked with annoyance, but adoration lied underneath.

"Hush up, Maddy," 

"Make me, Philly,"

They both cracked up laughing, fake glares transforming into gleaming eyes and wide smiles. After an eternity of a quarter hour, the vehicle pulled into a paved driveway.

"Oh, my god, is this it?" Phil asked, heart melting at the sight of the cozy blue house. He grabbed his things as quickly as he could, rushing everyone else in the process and basically jumping as his father spent probably three years unlocking the front door.

"Home sweet home for the next three months," Timothy said, following everyone else into the house. "So, you'd better like it."

"Oh, I love it." Madeline praised. All of the rentable beach houses came completely stocked. There was beautiful wooden furniture, bright walls, and a homely atmosphere.

"One thing, though..." Their mother said, trailing off. Both siblings shared a look quickly because they knew that tone. Penny always used that voice when she was about to tell them something she knew they wouldn't want to hear.

"What is it?" Maddy finally asked, breaking the ice that Phil was even too worried to chip away at. They'd just arrived at his favorite place in the world, and he was not prepared to be disappointed so quickly.

"We could only afford two bedrooms this year," their dad answered. "So, yes, you'll be sharing a room."

Both of the teenagers opened their mouth to protest, only to be cut off before starting.

"But, before you throw a fit or whatever else, hear your father out." Penny said. She always was quick on the draw.

"There are two beds and you'll each have your own wardrobe. There's only one bathroom, as well." He elaborated.

Phil didn't think it was all too bad. He was actually so sure that nothing was capable of ruining this place for him.

"Honestly, I don't see a problem, so can we please not make one? We used to share a room as kids, and a lot of times it was fun. Besides, this is summer vacation and I really want to have a good time, so can we be adults about it?" Phil begged, trying to persuade his sister before she could make a big deal.

He knew how much she liked privacy, and it wasn't because she didn't like Phil. They were very close, but she valued alone time, and if Phil had to sleep on the couch to keep everyone in a good mood, then he would.

"You're right," she agreed with a sigh. "Just this once."

"Yes! Now, let's hit the beach!" Phil screamed, making a run for the door, only to be stopped by his mother.

"Not yet, dear. We need to unpack first and really get settled in."

"Oh, but we have all summer to get settled in!" Phil whined.

"Yes, but we also have all summer to swim. And I know you, Philip Michael Lester, if I don't make you now, you'll be living out of your suitcase until we leave."

"Yes, mum," he said, packing his suitcase up the stairs into his room. On the very far side of the room was a full sized bed cover in a white quilt and pillow cases. Two bedside table were placed on either side. In front of that was a long, short dresser with a mirror on the wall above it. Beside it was a taller, more thin wardrobe. A lamp sat atop both of them.

Directly in front of the door was a twin sized bed, covered in a blue quilt and pillows. A tall lamp was places beside it as well.

"Oh, the big one is so mine," Madeline claimed, running and flopping down on it.

"That's not fair, I was here first." He pointed out.

"I was born first," she shot back, and that pretty much settled it. Phil liked blue anyway. It reminded him of the ocean and the skies.

Unpacking was easy enough, and as soon as they were done, Phil was pushed out of the room so Madeline could change into her swim suit.

Phil walked back downstairs to the room his parents were staying in, looking all around as he did. The place was so cozy and welcoming and Phil couldn't imagine himself ever leaving.

"Phil, dear, we've got to head to a grocery store to stock up. I know you wanted to swim, but it'll have to wait." Penny said from the closet, where she was fixing her clothes.

"Come on, mum, you don't need me for that. Maddy and I can go by ourselves. We're not children anymore."

"You're my children," she said, a smile forming on her face. Phil couldn't help but grin back, feeling the love radiate off her warmed his bones just like the sun outside.

"Mum, please. We'll stay together, anyway."

"Fine, I suppose. We won't be gone long." She said, but Phil was already running up to the room, banging on the door.

"What?!" Madeline yelled, swinging the door open. She was dressed in a plain purple bikini, with a white, knitted sweater pulled over it. May was warm, especially in America, but today was cooler than most.

"Mum and dad are heading to get some groceries. She said we had to stay together, but we could go down to the beach." Phil explained, opening the top drawer for a pair of striped swimming trunks and a T-shirt.

"Well, get dressed, and hurry. I want to meet some people." She rushed, fingering at her fiery ginger hair, which was pulled back into a ponytail, making her freckles stand out even more.

She left and Phil rushed to get ready, excitement shaking through his fingers. He met her outside and they followed the pavement until they reached their own little boarded bridge which led them onto the beach. Phil could feel the sand underneath his shoes and he sighed, listening to the rhythmic sounds of waves crashing against the shore and seaguls squawking overhead.

"Why are we going to the peir, anyway? Let's get in the water." Phil suggested, eyes magnetized to the mesmerizing scene in front of him. He wanted to feel the cool water on his skin and taste the saltiness in his mouth.

"We need some friends. I'm not spending my whole summer only hanging out with you." She explained.

"Rude," Phil said with a wounded expression.

"No, realistic. We'll both go crazy spending every minute together. Besides, socializing is a category that you could do with a little practice in." Madeline said.

"Hey," Phil warned, even though he agreed with her. He had a few friends back home, but he still preferred being home to visiting them. 

"There," she pointed out suddenly, "a group of younger people who look very nice and welcoming."

"I don't know..." The boy said, suddenly becoming anxious. "How do you just go up and ask someone to be friends without actually saying that? We'll sound weird."

"Just watch and follow along," she instructed quietly, albeit with confidence. She stepped in front of Phil and approached a small group people, leaving him to trail behind awkwardly.

"Hi, so, we've just arrived for the summer and I was wondering if any of you knew of anything that we absolutely have to do before leaving?" Madeline asked, and Phil wondered why she asked because they've been coming here for ages and knew how to get around pretty well. But he figures that actual residents probably know more of the uncommon tourist attractions.

"Whoa, are you from England?" A boy with very curly hair asked. His eyes were blueish-green and very beautiful.

"Yes, we are actually. I'm Madeline, or Maddy, and this is my brother-" she introduced, pausing for Phil, who mentally slapped himself for standing there like an idiot for a few seconds too long.

"Phil. My name is Phil. We're from Manchester." He tried to give off a friendly smile, but he was scared that it looked forced and unnatural. He just really wanted to swim.

"That's so cool. I'm PJ." The same guy from before said. "I actually live in Charleston, along with Chris," He pointed to another boy with a brown fringe and a goofy smile," and Louise." This time he gestured to a lovely looking girl who had long blonde hair, but with pink tips. She was wearing a cute sundress with a towel wrapped around her shoulders. 

Phil didn't know her but he could tell that she was one of the most adorable people to walk the earth, with a cute gap between her two front teeth and and beautiful green eyes.

"Nice to meet you," Phil said, and one look at his sister and he knew that she thought the same thing about Louise, but probably not in the platonic way in which he thought. She had serious heart eyes and a slight blush across her cheeks. 

Oddly enough, she fancied girls, while Phil preferred his own gender. Luckily for them, their parents were the most supportive they could have ever imagined.

"You too," the three of them chimed together, and oddly enough, Phil felt comfortable with them. The original plan was to let Maddy do all the talking, but as staring had seemingly busied her, Phil picked up slack.

"So, if you all live in Charleston, why do you come down to Folly? Especially in the private renting property? There's like, five other beaches." Phil asked curiously.

"Oh," Louise spoke up for the first time. Her voice was like honey. "Our friend Dan lives in one of the houses here, so usually we'll meet him here if we plan to spend the day swimming. He's running a bit late, it seems."

"It must be amazing to live here," Madeline finally spoke up, directing the comment more towards Louise.

"Definitely. There's a lot of wonderful places here. Most of them aren't even on the tourist guide."

"Dan knows the best places, though. He always finds them when he's out exploring." Chris added in.

"We'll have to get him to show you, sometime." PJ offered.

"That would be wonderful," Phil agreed excitedly, a sense for adventure setting in. He wanted to see everything.

"Speaking of Dan, I think that's him now," Chris said, pointing down the pier to a boy. From what Phil could tell, he had curly brown hair that was styled into an almost-quiff. It oddly reminded him of Troye Sivan's hair. He was wearing a plain white tshirt and what looked to be gray joggers. 

As Dan - or so his friends called him - came closer, Phil thinks that he sees Nike Air shoes on his feet, which was odd considering the location. He'd never wear new-looking, pricey shoes to the actual ocean. 

This Dan character looked like your basic white boy that you see on tumblr, but Phil almost thinks that it works well for him.

"Hey, guys. Who's this?" He asked with a polite smile.

"This is Madeline, and Phil. They're siblings. They're also from England." PJ added in. Dan perked a bit at that.

"Really? That's cool. I bet it's amazing to live there." He said.

"Well, I think it'd be amazing to live here." Phil said, and it never ceased to amaze him that no one was satisfied with where they live. No one ever seems to have desire to stay in their hometown, no matter how big or beautiful. He loved Manchester, but he wanted to be here, and someone who actually gets to live his dream, doesn't even want it.

"You sound so posh!" Dan laughed, and not in a mean way. It was nice, actually. Phil noticed his dimples first, and then how his eyes would crinkle.

"You sound very American." Phil retorted, which caused everyone to laugh.

"Anyway, I'm Dan. It's nice to meet you." He said, and stuck a hand out. Madeline and Phil took turns shaking it.

"So, we were just talking to them, and Madeline mentioned something about absolute must-sees. Know any?" Chris asked.

"Obviously," he chuckled, but soon grew very serious, turning to the newcomers with an almost deadly expression. "but, I have to know that I can trust you..."

"Oh, and how's that?" Madeline asked, sarcasm dripping from her voice.

"We'll probably just have to hang out today and if you are worthy, then we'll explore tomorrow. Good, yeah?" Dan said, and it kind of seemed like he was only half joking.

"I hope you're not expecting me to be worthy enough to pick up Thor's hammer." Phil joked, laughing a bit at himself.

"That's exactly what I'm expecting." Dan said seriously.

"Well, then I've got some bad news..." Phil trailed off, completely pokerfaced until everyone started laughing, causing him to crack a smile. Maybe making friends wasn't such a bad idea after all.


	2. two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fun in the sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! I've had this written for a bit, but didn't have a chance to upload because my family and I went on vacation. Funnily enough, we actually went to South Carolina. I love it there, and that's why this was the perfect place for this to take place. :D
> 
> Unfortunately, we didn't go to Charleston or Folly Beach (which is like, a dream of mine because it's gorgeous!), but I had a great time.
> 
> Enjoy! x

Dan was pulled from his early morning stupor by a tap on his shoulder. He tore his gaze away from the lapping waves below and instead trained them on Phil.

"Hey, where is everyone?" He asked quietly, looking around the pier. Dan took a moment to look at his new friend. Unfixed raven hair, crystal blue eyes that matched the water below them, striped swimming trunks.

"Late." Dan mused, a smile pulling at his lips. "Supposed to be here ten minutes ago. Probably stuck in traffic, I'm guessing. Where's Madeline?"

"She's fixing her hair," Phil laughed. "Though, I don't understand why. The ocean will mess it up anyway."

"Eh, girls are like that." Dan shrugged. "They care."

"Yeah, I suppose you're right."

Dan chuckled, "I am. Girls are great, though. It's like, they're perfect in every way. Probably because they care so much."

Phil didn't reply, just looked at the waves, and maybe Dan should've noticed the way he went visibly uncomfortable, but he didn't.

"You know, I was wondering about something. And then I figured, who would be able to answer my question better than Phil. He's got know."

"Where are you going with this?" Phil asked, eyes shifting from the water to meet Dan's brown gaze.

"Madeline is very pretty, and she seems like a great girl. Basically, is she single?" Dan asked hopefully. He heard Phil snort and try to cover it up with a cough.

"What? What's so funny?" He asked, slightly worried, fixing his hair out of habit.

"She's totally single, but let me save you the embarrassment, mate. She doesn't swing that way." Phil said, a hint of laughter in his voice.

"Oh." Dan said, completely caught off guard. 

"Yeah," Phil said with another laugh.

"Oh." Dan said again, shaking his head to reduce the shock. "Okay. Well, maybe, I could-"

"Nope. Don't even say it." He said, cutting Dan off. "You can't turn her straight. She is the biggest lesbian I have ever met."

"But-" Dan tried again.

"Dan, no." Phil said seriously. "She wouldn't suck your dick for a thousand pounds."

Madeline showed up before Dan could even reply, but he still couldn't help but feel embarrassed. An unusual redness tinted his cheeks, but when asked about it, he blamed it on a sunburn.

The next few hours were spent either sunbathing or riding the waves. The water was still on the chilly side, as it was technically the middle of spring, but that didn't hinder anyone.

There was even one point where Phil got knocked under by a wave and didn't resurface until a whole minute later. He'd been pushed half the distance to the pier before he had managed to get out, causing everyone to have a small heart attack.

He was alright in the end, claiming to have originally lost his footing and been unable to regain it under the foreceful waves of the morning high tide. The shock had caused everyone to be very wary of the waves, at least for the day, and they had all happily decided that building sand castles was a good alternative.

"Come on, Dan! Aren't you going to help?" Louise asked, calling him over to the castle - or mansion, more like it - everyone was constructing.

"Last time I checked, we weren't six-years-old." Dan said matter-of-factly, plopping down beside them regardless.

"Last time I checked, you don't have to be a prick and ruin the fun." Madeline said quickly. A smile on her face said that she was joking, but the serious glint in her eye contradicted that.

"Maddy!" Phil said scoldingly, jabbing her ribs with his elbow.

"What? All I'm saying is that you're not gonna have fun, if you don't let yourself." She mumbled, making a most around the huge mound of sand.

"You're right," Dan said begrudgingly, but soon let go of his cool front, and allowed himself to have a good time. 

\--

"It's getting so hot," Chris moaned, flopping back in the sand.

"I know," Dan said, shielding his eyes from the sun. "We should head to Charleston instead of being out here in the sun. We'll get burnt."

"I'm too hungry to move." PJ groaned, flopping his hand over and hitting Chris is the face - "ouch, damnit" - which caused him to grin.

"Sandwich shop down at the pier. Could stop there before we leave." Louise suggested.

"Too. Hungry. To. Move." PJ said again, huffing with each word.

"Oh, you baby, we'll go get you one." Louise said, turning to Madeline. "Would you like to go with me? We'll get some for the boys."

Dan watched as the two girls stood up, linked arms, and started walking away. He pretended not to notice, but she saw Maddy wink at Phil and nod her head toward Louise.

After the food was brought back and eaten, the crew loaded up their towels and bags and headed to Dan's house to change.

"Okay, so this is it," Dan said, walking the little board walk to a fairly big three story house. It was painted a brown color that looked very warm and inviting. The bridge led directly onto a huge deck, and below them was a large pool, that was in the ground. "Sorry if it's messy. Maria hasn't been here to clean this week."

They walked into the house and Dan could hear a few gasps from behind. It was obviously Madeline and Phil because everyone else had been here numerous times before.

"Louise, if you want to take Maddy to the guest master, then you guys can get changed. There's a separate bathroom." Dan instructed, and allowed his friends to walk freely inside his home. He knew for a fact that the quest room was clean, as hardly anyone went in there.

"Chris, Peej, you can go on. Just stay out of my parents room." Dan said, leaving just him and Phil.

"Your house is really pretty," Phil said in awe, taking in the expensive furniture and eloquent design.

"Thanks. On with the tour?" Dan said, descending up a set of stairs, the same ones that the other boys had previously went up.

"You'll just have to change in my room, if that's okay." Dan said, and it sounded like a question, but it kind of wasn't. Phil followed him into another big room and he watched as the other boy took it all in.

Flat screen TV, king sized bed, sofa, walk-in closet, en-suite bathroom.

"What is that, like four bathrooms so far?" Phil asked with an amused laugh.

"Five, actually. Three en-suites, two seperate." Dan correct, searching through his dresser for clothes.

"Ah." Phil hummed, excusing himself to the restroom to change. Dan thought it was a little odd because it's not like it was weird to change clothes together. They both had dicks, not a big deal. But he figured that maybe Phil had a weird birthmark or something on his ass and didn't want him to know.

He dismissed the thought and quickly pulled on some black basketball shorts, gray yeezys, and a white T-shirt. He ran his hand through his hair in attempt to style it into a quiff, but it was too damp and messy to look good.

"Oh, my God." Phil broke the silence, trying to hold back laughter.

"What?" Dan asked, confusion furrowing his eyebrows.

"I've never actually seen someone own a pair of those," Phil said, pointing at Dan's shoes. The American boy blushed in embarrassment, but covered it up with a fake sneer.

"Yeah, well, I've never seen someone look so posh." He quipped, gesturing to the british boy's outfit. He was wearing a spiffy short sleeved button up that was teal, black jean shorts, and black converse. His hair was in a wet and disheveled fringe and he had on black framed glasses.

"Touché, Daniel."

\--

Downtown Charleston was a gorgeous place, with many tourist attractions, but Dan knew an even better place to be, and that's why he had a group of whining brats behind him, groaning with every step about how hot it was and couldn't they just go to a movie and why the hell are they in the middle of a park.

Dan told them to shut up because this was a damn good surprise, and all of their negativity wasn't good for his skin and he swears to God if he gets acne because of their sorry asses then-

"Are we there yet?" Chris whined again. "We've been walking for hours."

"Chris, shut the hell up. It's been twenty minutes." Dan said, pushing bushes out of his way now.

"Same thing," he muttered under his breath, and Dan heard him, too, but he decided to be nice today and bite his tongue.

"We're here," he announced, and everyone gathered around and stared in awe because Dan always found the best places and there had to be some kind of reason for why this place was so sacred to him.

"Okay, but is someone going to tell me why we're all just standing here looking at a fence?" Madeline finally chriped up, sarcasm rolling off her tongue. Louise snickered a bit, only to cover it up with a cough when Dan sent her a glare out of the corner of his eye.

"We have to hop it, idiots." Dan said, matter-of-factly, already starting to climb his way up the metal fence.

"Um, isn't this illegal? Breaking and entering, or something?" Peej asked skeptically. Dan swung his leg over the top, followed by the other, then jumped down. He turned toward them and looked at them through the fence.

"I don't think so. Technically, we're not breaking anything. And we're not really entering, per se. We're just exiting the park grounds." Dan said with a mischievous grin. "Come on, don't wimp out. I've done this loads of times. We are in the middle of the forest. No one is gonna see is."

"Okay, I'm down." Madeline said, and started climbing. She joined Dan on the other side, followed by Phil, then Chris, next Louise, and finally PJ.

"Onward," Dan said, and kept walking until he was met with a thick patch of tall bushes and trees. "Through here," he instructed.

They made it inside to a little clearing, but instead of being totally clear, and ancient stone tower sat in the middle. It was surrounded with the thick growth all around, completely sheilded from an outsider's view.

It was about two stories and looked very aged and crumbly. To everyone's disbelief, Dan walked straight through the cut out where the door should be.

"Dan! Isn't that unsafe?" Louise called worriedly.

"No worries, Lou. I've been up here tons of times. Come on." He shouted. The inside was very dim; the only light coming in was the little bit that shined through the cracks in between the stone walls.

They climbed a sprial staircase that led to the ceiling. Chris almost spoke up to ask why a staircase would lead to a ceiling, but then Dan pushed up on the roof and opened a trap door.

He hoisted himself up like a pro, and then helped everyone else up. Being on top of the building was surreal. It was so peaceful and calm, and no one dared to say a word as they sat and stared at the sky.

Standing up, you could just barely see over the trees. The horizon was beautiful, endless blues and greens and never ending tranquility.

"It's prettier at night," Dan whispered quietly. Phil jumped at the sudden noise but turned his head to look at Dan, who was standing just beside him.

"The sky is ablaze with a million stars, you know? And it never stops. It goes on forever and it never becomes boring to look at. They're the only light you can see for miles, but it's not even scary to be alone in the pitch black because all of those tiny stars are waving down at you." Dan said, his words sounding distant, almost like he was in a trance.

"I can imagine," Phil agreed, looking up at the sky and picturing it on fire with tiny little dots. "But how do you know? This place is far from home. Why would you be out here at night?"

"Sometimes when I can't sleep, I like to walk until I either get too tired to stand or until my brain shuts off. One night I just wasn't even tired, so I took a bus to Charleston and started walking. I remembered this place and thought it might do the trick. It did." Dan said, sighing in content. 

No one said anything for a while; there was no need for any words at a moment like this.

But it was disrupted all too soon when Dan suddenly snapped back to himself. He'd felt embarrassed to have said all those things, even to his close friends, let alone Phil and Madeline. He hardly knew them, for crying out loud. They would think he was sappy or emo, but he obviously hadn't even realized what he was rambling on about.

"Let's go." He said abruptly, opening the door without waiting for an answer and starting down the stairs.

"Dan, is something wrong?" Lousie asked quietly so no one else could hear. Dan was thankful for that, but he shook his head and dismissed her.

"I'm hungry. Let's get ice cream." He suggested.

\--

"Okay, so you've never even heard of anime?" Phil asked him for the third time since they'd been at the shop. This guy was adamant about it, that was for sure. But Dan figured he was just passionate.

"Again, unless you're talking about the porn, then no." Dan repeated, almost becoming frustrated.

"Seriously? Not even Naruto or Death Note? Those are very popular!" Phil pushed.

"Dammit, Phil, I haven't, okay?" Dan snapped, and he was surprised at himself with how harsh that sounded, but shockingly enough, Phil took it in stride.

"Bloody hell, I have a lot to teach you." He laughed, bringing his plain vanilla cone to his mouth. Dan could hear Chris and PJ talking about some kind of video on YouTube in the booth behind them, and Louise and Maddy talking about animals in front.

"I mean, seriously, have you been living under a rock for the las ten years?" Phil joked, giving Dan a teasing smile. 

"Oh, sorry, I'm getting a call," Dan said, pausing to grab his phone. He looked at it, then moved his gaze to the raven-haired boy with a smirk. "It's from 1800-I-Don't-Give-A-Fuck."

Phil snorted into his ice cream and shook his head, "I'll give you that one, Howell. Only because of the quality set up."

Dan grinned triumphantly, "Thank you, thank you."

"But, seriously, I think you'll like it if you give it a chance." Phil said with a shrug.

"I'll have to trust you on this one, Lester." Dan agreed.

\--

He was having trouble sleeping again. Maybe it was because he didn't like being alone, especially at night. He wasn't scared that monsters would get him, he just enjoyed the comfort of knowing someone was nearby; it made it easier for him to sleep.

He'd tried to hint at that earlier when Louise, Chris, and PJ had gone home. He'd asked them each individually if they'd like to just come back with him and sleep over, hoping that one of them would get the notion that he didn't want to be alone.

They'd all been blissfully oblivious to his ways, even Louise - who he'd been sure would have caught on. 

Dan was desperate that he'd even offered the same thing to Phil and Madeline - who were almost total strangers - after they'd made the drive all the way to Avocet Properties in Folly Beach. 

They'd declined, but only due to the fact that their mother wanted them home.

So, there Dan was, the sports channel blaring quietly on the television, and even the hallway light on to trick himself into thinking someone was home because his parents were supposed to be here tonight - but they barely ever were.

And he would've walked the beach, or maybe even take a late night dip in the pool. He could've possibly walked up to Center Street, turned onto Eerie Street, and then walked down until he switched onto W Ashley Avenue, around all of the main building of Folly. He might've decided that a trip to the lighthouse would be settling enough, but he was too physically tired to mentally exercise, so he lazily watched clips from different teams and pretended that his family was home.

Not his parents, but a family, one that cared and loved and stayed home with him. He tried picturing his own parents, to let them fill the shoes of his imagination - except he couldn't make himself believe that they could actually be family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still a bit unsure about this and if anyone actually likes it, but I do like writing it so I'll probably keep it. maybe and update by the weekend idk. Tell me what you think!
> 
> much love x 
> 
> \- shanna <3


	3. three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> family dinners & such also getting to know each other a bit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls tell me what you think of this story  
> is it good?  
> is it bad?  
> do you hate it?  
> do you wish I would stop writing it?
> 
> LET ME KNOW (:

The heavy knock on the door startled Phil and reminded him why his mum was cooking a nice dinner in the first place.

His parents both thought it would be a fantastic idea for Phil to invite his new friends to dinner. "It isn't everyday you make friends, dear," his mother had said, and that was true. Phil was the introvert of the family, while Madeline was a social butterfly; she befriended almost everybody.

It was kind of embarrassing, really, that his mum was going to so much trouble. He was seventeen, not five-years-old. And while it was true that his sister had initially began talking to the group, Phil had formed his own relationships with them. In their eyes, that was a major accomplishment.

Inviting his new friends over, however, was not as easy as he primarily anticipated. When he'd asked out loud to everyone, Chris would be out of town for his cousin's wedding, PJ had to watch his younger brother, and Louise had promised to help her mother clean the house that night.

Phil was almost sure that they were lying because they didn't like him, but then Dan said that he had absolutely nothing to do and would enjoy coming over. He lit up like a Christmas tree at that, and had grinningly said, "Great! I'll see you Friday night at six."

Well, it was Friday night at six right now and Phil pulled himself from the couch to the door and greeted his guest.

"Hey, Dan, come in," Phil said politely. Truth be told, he was nervous for Dan to be here. What if he scared him off? Or his parents were too embarrassing?

"Thanks," Dan said, and walked in. For some odd reason, he was dressed nicer than usual. Not that he didn't dress nice, because he did. But khaki skinny jeans replaces his usual joggers, and instead of a T-shirt, he had a short sleeve button-up that was a soft blue color. He had on regual black vans, though, and he was carrying a Nike drawstring bag.

He looked better than Phil, who was wearing a T-shirt with cats all over it and black jean shorts. Not to mention one of his socks had a llama and the other was blue.

"What's the bag about?" Phil asked curiously, eyes trained on it.

"To stay over?" Dan asked with confusion, eyebrows knitting together. Phil shared the same look. Perhaps the American boy had misheard him.

"I said come over for dinner. Not come over and dinner." Phil said, thinking out loud. He didn't realize how rude he was being until he saw the look on Dan's face. He'd never seen the boy look anything less than confident and carefree, but Phil figured that he was out of his comfort zone. He wasn't with his longtime friends or at his own home. He was at Phil's house, who he barely knew, with two new people waiting to meet him, and then Phil went and made him upset with that comment.

"Well, that's fine. I can just go home after this. It's no big deal, really. I just misunderstood, is all." Dan was quick to say. Phil could tell he was trying to mask the deflated look with a smile. Phil's mum would've slapped him if she'd been in here, and he would've deserved it.

This is why I can't make friends, he thought briefly before jumping to apologize.

"No, Dan, I don't mean it like that. I'd really love if you could stay over tonight. It'll be fun." Phil reassured, hoping it's not too late to salvage his friendship with Dan. The other boy gave him a skeptical look, unsure. 

"Promise," Phil said, and then before he could elaborate, they were called to dinner.

It was spaghetti and garlic bread because Phil's mum wasn't sure what Dan would like, and figured this was a safe bet. 

"Oh, Mrs. Lester this is the best spaghetti ever!" Dan moaned, mouth full of pasta.

"I'm glad you like it, honey, but it's nothing special. I'm sure your mum fixes much better," Penny said humbly, but she still smiled with pride. 

"No, actually," Dan said quietly, and then cleared his throat. "She's not home much, so she doesn't cook very often. This is really great."

Dan almost sounded sad for a minute, but he covered it quickly with a small chuckle and took another bite.

"Thank you, Dan. You're welcome anytime, you know. I'm always cooking, and there's plenty of food."

"Thank you, ma'am."

The rest of their meal went pretty quickly. There was a lot of conversation, mostly just learning new things about one another, but when Timothy pulled his classic dad joke ("hi, stuffed, I'm dad!"), Phil politely excused them to his room.

"Sorry, but we don't exactly have a spare bedroom. You'll have to sleep in here and I'll take the couch. Maddy sleeps in the other bed." Phil said, placing Dan's bag on his own bed. He felt kind of embarrassed, actually, after seeing how huge Dan's home was. 

Maddy walked in before Dan could answer, and interrupted them, "Actually, dorkwaffles, I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight because 1) I'm tired of your snoring, Phil, and 2) I'm sorry but I don't feel comfortable sleeping in the same room as you, Dan. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date at the pier."

"With who?" Phil asked, but she had already grabbed a change of clothes and was out the door.

"Well, problem solved." Phil said, turning to Dan who was now sitting on the bed, playing on his phone. He plopped down beside him and peered over his shoulder.

"What are you playing?"

"The Kendall & Kylie game." Dan said, shrugging. Phil stifled a laugh and shook his head. If someone had told him six months ago he'd be friends with someone like Dan, he would've laughed in their face and called them mad. 

They were so different, Dan and Phil. Phil considered himself nerdy and awkward. He liked music and fantasy books and shows like Sherlock and Black Butler, and he didn't have very many friends.

Dan, on the other hand, was his polar opposite. He was confident and cool. He liked sports and Kanye West and whatever else was mainstream. Plus, he had loads of friends.

"What?" Dan asked, still tapping on his phone. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing," Phil dismissed, shaking his head.

"What?" Dan said, this time locking his phone and looking up. "Tell me."

"I just forget how different we are, sometimes." Phil said, shrugging. "I guess I'm more of a nerd than anything, and you're just kind of cool, you know."

"We're not really all that different, Phil." Dan stated, turning to face him, their knees now touching.

"Yeah, kinda. I mean, you're like, one of the popular people at school, I bet. I'm not. People make fun of people who like things I like because it's geeky. You like sports and other popular things, that makes you cool." Phil said carefully, watching how Dan's face contorted at his words. He seemed confused? Shocked? Phil couldn't place it.

"That's kind of stereotypical, y'know. Everyone gets picked on, Phil. Even people like me, not that I'm a part of some other species. People who like sports get called pricks and brainless jocks. People who like rap music are called rude. You like anime and books, so you're called dorky. It's hard all around, Phil." Dan said. He didn't seem mad, but almost upset. Maybe he expected Phil not to think that way, and suddenly the British boy felt ashamed.

"Yeah, but, you guys keep up with what's considered cool. You keep up with popular artists and styles and stuff." Phil countered.

"So do you, Phil!" Dan sounded exhausted. "You keep up with the popular bands you listen to, and all the Harry Potter news. That's the same thing, just about different interests. You follow Muse or whoever on Twitter just the same as I follow Kanye." 

Phil blinked a few times, processing this new information. He couldn't believe he'd been so biased and immature. A part of him still wanted to believe he was right, though.

"How come they call us names, then?"

"And you don't call them dicks behind their backs?" Dan asked with a less-than-impressed look. Phil felt foolish, sheepish even. "Something is only 'cool' or 'popular' if you think it is, you know?"

"Wow, I feel dumb," Phil said, an embarrassed blush on his cheeks. He didn't figure that Dan thought this much about stuff like that, but that was just another stereotype; people who like sports and rap music can't possibly have real thoughts or be sensitive. Phil was an ass, really. "I'm sorry for upsetting you."

"You didn't," Dan laughed, and patted his knee. "Now, didn't you promise to show me some of that 'amazing' and 'incredible' anime."

\--

They stayed up well into the night, finishing the half of the first season of Sword Art Online. Dan really liked it, as he had told Phil. He also vowed to pay for a subscription to Crunchyroll.

"If you liked that, then there's so much more out there for you to watch." Phil said, and he was ask pleased that he'd showed Dan something and he had liked it. It gave him a bit of pride, honestly.

"It's definitely better than the porn, trust me." Dan laughed. He yawned loudly and stretched, arms shooting up and back arched up from the bed.

"I'll take your word for it," Phil said sleepily, catching Dan's yawn.

"Maybe we should go to sleep," Dan suggested. It was about two o'clock in the morning.

"Yeah," Phil nodded, getting up. He put his laptop on his on his dresser and pulled out some pajamas. Dan got up and pulled some comfortable clothes from his bag.

They changed in opposite sides of the rooms, backs facing each other. Dan had on basket ball shorts and left his shirt off. Phil had on a pair of Sonic the Hedgehog sleeping pants and a white T-shirt.

"I forgot to ask you," Dan said, messing with his curly hair in the camera of his phone. "Next weekend my parents are having a huge business party, and I'm allowed to invite a few friends. Chris and Peej will be there, probably Louise, too. Just wondering if you wanted to come? Maddy, too. Even your parents can come."

"Oh," Phil said, thinking it over. "I think my dad has to work," and then he explained that the reason why the spend the whole summer here; Timothy works for a company in Manchester that has buildings all over the UK and even a few on the coast of the US, meaning that he comes in the summer to work and they stay here. "So, my mum probably won't come on her own, she's weird like that. I don't know about Mads, but I'd enjoy it."

"Okay, good. It'll be a little more bearable then." Dan laughed, checking the filters on Snapchat now. He was the brown dog, and Phil, who jumped into view, became the Dalmatian.

"So tell me a bit about your parents?" Phil asked, making weird faces. They had flower crowns on now.

"There's not much to tell," Dan shrugged. They both opened their mouths, becoming rabid bunnies.

"Well, what about their names?" Phil pushed, he chuckled a bit as Dan now looked like an old grandmother.

"My mother is called Ella and my father is James." Dan said shortly. He closed Snapchat now and got on Twitter. Phil felt like he was being avoided, but he just wanted to know more about Dan.

"What are they like?" He asked, trying to sound as polite as possible. He was sitting next to Dan on his bed again, so close their shoulder were brushing. The American boy smelled like Axe, but it was soft and kind to his nose.

"I don't know, Phil." Dan snapped. He sounded angry and hurt all at once but he kept going. "They're not around much, okay? My dad is away on business a lot and whenever my mom isn't with him, she's working."

Phil was quiet for a moment. So, Dan is always alone, he thought, that's awful. "Oh," he said softly. "I'm sorry," Dan didn't reply.

"Why don't you go with them and travel in the summer?" Phil offered, hope filling his voice.

"I don't like being alone, Phil. Especially at night. It's bad enough to be alone here, but I don't want to be in the middle of Mexico or somewhere else with no clue how to get around." Dan said. By now he had peeled the blue quilt back and crawled under, hiding himself away. "At least I know how to get around in Folly and Charleston. That softens the blow."

Phil didn't know what to say this time, so he didn't say anything. He squeezed Dan's bare shoulder and gave him a soft smile before flicking the lights off and retiring to Madeline's bed.

No one said anything for some time. Maybe it had been an hour or maybe just three minutes. Phil was almost asleep now, eyes shut and brain slowing down.

"Phil?" He barely heard. It took him a minute to come to his senses. He blinked a few times and roller over.

"Yeah?" He whispered into the quiet room, half-believing that he'd dreamt the voice.

"Can I sleep with you?" The voice answered unsurely, scared, quivering, alone.

"You don't have to," Phil answered.

"I know," there was a pause, as if the boy was questioning his moves. "I want to,"

"Yeah," Phil said sleepily, not realizing that he sounded incoherent. There was quiet shuffling and then a weight pressing down on the other side of the bed. The blankets shifted for a minute and then everything was still.

"Dan?" Phil murmured, shifting to face him.

"Hmm?" He asked in reply, just as sleepily and unintelligible.

"Are you lonely?" In Phil's tired state, he didn't realize the intensity of the question, or the intensity of the question. He didn't realize how different the words "alone" and "lonely" were, and how their meanings could variate so much.

"Yes."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY 4TH OF JULY FELLOW AMERICANS  
> GRILL SOME BURGERS AND DRINK THAT DELICIOUS TEA THAT WE ARE NO LONGER BEING TAXED UNJUSTLY FOR OR JUST THROW IT IN THE HARBOR DO WHATEVER YOU WANT BECAUSE GUESS WHAT? IT'S AMERICA AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? FREEDOM! FREEDOM! FREEDOM! THOMAS JEFFERSON TOOK 14 DAYS WRITING THAT BEAUTIFUL DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE FOR THIS MOMENT RIGHT NOW! 
> 
> *eagles screeching loudly*  
> *fireworks everywhere*  
> *american flag whipping in the wind*
> 
> if ur not american then you probably aren't important so you can just leave
> 
> JUST KIDDING have a lovely day, even if the 4th doesn't mean much to you! I would apologize for all of the celebratory posts in all of your feeds on the various social medias, but we're all just happy & proud & we're allowed to be because America is FREE
> 
> so yeah have a good day! AND IF YOU ARE FROM THE HOME OF THE FREE THEN YOU CAN HAVE A GOOD DAY TOO or not, you can have a bad day if you want BECAUSE IT'S A FREE COUNTRY SO LIGHT THOSE FIREWORKS AND SHOOT YOUR GUNS (not at ppl tho) AND STROKE YOUR OET EAGLE WITH PRIDE
> 
> also if you want, you could tell me your opinion on this story but if you don't want to & your American then that's fine bc you're FREE to do as you please


	4. four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan's parents throw a business party and with that comes some self-realization for Dan and some heartfelt moments with Phil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while - longer than I expected but I have some valid reasons  
> 1\. If I haven't been spending my free time playing Pokémon GO then I've been 2. Watching Sherlock. It's probably the best things my eyes have ever witnessed and thanks to my wonderful friend, I'm finally watching it (:

Dan Howell left directly after breakfast the next morning, despite being offered the chance to stay by both Phil, Madeline, and their parents. He'd made the excuse that he had to hurry home because he had promised Maria, his maid, that he would help with laundry and mopping.

That wasn't a total lie, but it was not  
the whole truth. Maria wouldn't be over at his house until noon, after she dropped her little girl off at the daycare, and it was only nine o'clock in the morning when he'd left.

Truth be told, Dan had felt embarrassed. He had allowed his secret to slip to Phil, a secret that nobody knew; he wasn't as happy as he let on, and he was actually rather lonely. But because he was foolish, he let his walls down and spoke his private feelings into Phil's knowledge.

He'd even asked to sleep with the British boy because at the time, he was so deprived of comfort and closeness - and he let himself take refuge in almost a complete stranger.

Obviously Phil wasn't that unknown to him, but he wasn't all too close with the boy either.

Dan almost hated himself for what he had done. He'd surely made the black-haired boy uncomfortable, in more ways than one, but he couldn't stop himself for some reason, and that's why he had rushed out - before he did something else he would regret later.

As Dan trudged through the sand, his person a disheveled mess, and squinting at everyone, he realized something about himself and the difference between night and day.

It was easy to pretend during the day, so much so that he almost believed himself. When the sun was out and everyone was smiling, it was so effortless to follow along and fade into the happy background. With his friends and the waves, he could pretend that everything was okay and he was content.

But when all of that dissolved into the nighttime, and nobody was around to make him smile and the only sounds were the waves lapping at the shore and his own breathing, he found it hard to act as if he wasn't sad by being alone.

He couldn't pretend that his parents were there, and that they were a happy family, because it had been far too long since that was true and he couldn't remember what if felt like.

He was more vulnerable at night because he didn't have anyone to make him act otherwise. It was then that he realized why he spent most of his nights running away from his home; he didn't want to accept the fact that he was lonely, and his empty house only shoved that truth farther down his throat.

Finally, he made it back home, and it didn't take long for him to miss being at the Lester's, but he knew that he would have to deal. With a sigh, he hooked his phone to a doc and blasted Drake's latest album while he started cleaning.

\--

The embarrassment from That Night (as Dan had began to call it) followed him around all week. He was terrified that Phil had let it slip to their other friends, and he really didn't want them to worry over him, especially Louise. She was already motherly enough in her ways to be dealing with a poor, lonely Dan. He didn't want to be the friend that everyone had to walk on eggshells with.

He had ended up avoiding everyone all week, but mostly just Phil. He made excuses that he wasn't feel well, he had a headache, and when there was absolutely nothing else that he could come up with, said he had other plans.

Obviously he didn't, but just to stick to his word, he called up Cameron Tucker aka the captain of the basketball team and asked about rounding up the crew for a game that evening when the sun wasn't so blistering.

Cameron was a tall, lean, blond-haired, basketball-fanatic. He could play basketball in his sleep and probably even with one hand tied behind his back. He agreed to Dan's idea as soon as the words had slipped out of his mouth, and that's how Dan had found himself back in his jersey and sweating on the court.

Despite his initial reason for calling up the team, he found himself having a good time. Nothing cleared his head like a good, hot game of basketball. With each bead of sweat rolled away more worry and tension.

Some of the guys even happened to notice because they kept commenting on his game and telling him that he was _literal fire on the court_ and _is something bothering you, Dan?_ and _You're only ever this good when something is troubling you._ Dan replied to everything with _yeah, something like_ that and let it be.

Once Saturday came back around, he greeted the day with a hard grimace and swallowed the dread that was rising in his throat.

His parents had returned from a business trip the previous night, and by night, Dan means night. He'd finally gotten himself to sleep, and his mother and father came stumbling in at three in the morning, waking him up and leave him unable to return to unconsciousness until the sun was already shi in through his windows.

They hadn't even called to tell him, but he never expected they would. He knew they were throwing a business party so his dad could celebrate how amazing his company was while his mom could offer people wine and brag about how proud she was of her husband and _oh, would you believe that just the other day I saved a poor man from a brain tumor?_

Dan figured that his parents were good for each other in the way that they like to brag and buy fancy things and how they liked to pretend they didn't have a son until they needed to look like the perfect family.

It was around noon when they'd finally acknowledged him - other than a quick "Hello, Dan, how are you," which makes them seem less like a family and more like coworkers who bump into each other at the grocery store. His parents had hired a few college students to come over and set up lights and tables for a hundred dollars a piece, which was a bit outrageous - but so was everything else they did.

"Daniel, dear, if you could come to the lounge, that would be lovely!" Ella called in an overly polite voice. Dan knew that voice as the fake one she used to greet guests and talk business. He thought it was weird that she used that same voice with him, but he wasn't surprised by it, either. Their family was kind of like a business agreement; Dan got a place to live, along with food and supplies that were fully stocked, and his parents got to show him off when they needed to look like a stock family photo, always smiling and laughing and living the perfect life - which was just about as far from the truth as one could get.

"Yes, mother?" Dan asked, making his way down the stairs into the lounge. He took a seat in a chair opposite of his parents, who were sat on the couch. They looked over him with a repulsed look as they sat in their formal attire. Their hard gaze made Dan shifty and self-conscious of his joggers and Nike-clad feet.

"Well, your father and I thought it would be best to go over tonight's rules, as it's been a while since we've had a party like this." Ella said coolly, professionally. His parents had a way of making him feel uncomfortable in his own home.

"Rules? I wasn't aware there were any rules." Dan said slowly, quietly, trying to keep his most formal tone, one that was passive and showed no indication of how he was actually feeling, the voice his father had taught him. James had always said to show no emotion while talking business because that was being vulnerable and being vulnerable made you weak, and no one would take you seriously or want to work with you if you're weak.

"There is no need to act out, Dan. We allow you to do as you please, but just  this once, we are asking something of you." Dan's father said, his voice was proper, just like he'd taught Dan. But there was a certain coldness in his tone that made Dan feel small. "I would think that it's only fair that you abide by these things we ask. That would be the mature thing, don't you think?"

"Of course, I'm sorry." Dan said, as calm and smooth as he could manage. "What would you like from me?"

"That's much better," his father said, and let his lips turn up into a friendly smile, one that he gives when he'd just sealed a deal. "This is a formal party, so you'll need to dress appropriately. If you've invited friends, I suggest you let them know immediately."

"I have, yes, and I will." Dan said with a curt nod.

"Good. There will be no swimming tonight, and limit yourself with the wine because if we have another incident, your allowance will be cut immensely, and other punishments will ensue. Understood?" James asked sternly. Dan bit back the urge to yell that it was _one fucking time_ and he was _fifteen at the time, how was he supposed to know?_

"Yes, sir." He said, teeth grit. His mother chimed in now.

"Only speak when spoken to, dear. These people don't care about anything you have to say, and we wouldn't you to embarrass yourself, would we?" Dan shook his head.

"That's all, son. We have confidence that you will help make this family look good, not worse. Enjoy yourself tonight, but not too much." The last part was supposed to be a joke, and he could tell because of the fake chuckle his father gave, which he returned and quickly excused himself.

He sent a quick text to Louise and Phil, telling them to dress nice and then he hurried to get himself ready.

Dan wished that Chris and Peej were allowed to attend, but he remembered the last time Chris had came and got a little too wound up on the free sweets and disturbed some of the guests. Dan thought it was hilarious at the time, because that's just how Chris was, but he stopped laughing when his parents took away his allowance for three months, banned Chris from any of their parties (Pj was still welcome, but he said he couldn't go anywhere without Chris), and somehow managed to throw it in his face every time they saw him for the next year.

He rummaged through his closet until he found the pristine Alexander McQueen button up and matching black dress slacks. He found his fancy shoes, that he probably wore half a dozen times a year, and readied himself.

\--

Louise was the first of Dan's guests to arrive and she came dressed in a vintage looking pink dress with lacey sleeves and her hair pulled up in a sophisticated bun. Her makeup was pretty light, a simple brown eye shadow, mascara, and glossy pink lips.

Dan greeted her quickly and complimented her attire - partly because she truly was beautiful and partly because that was one less factor he had to worry about in making sure he didn't upset his parents.

With her, it was like twenty-one questions of _why have you been so distant lately?_ with each answered the same way - he'd been out of it because he knew he'd be seeing his parents soon; that was one thing his friends were allowed to know - his parents made him crazy.

He showed her to the snack table and to a seat before rushing off to welcome other guests with fake hospitality, his worry about Phil being there soon hidden away.

Luckily when the British boy did show up, he was the last person to arrive and his parents were already told busy fake laughing and sipping wine. He was dressed sharply, albeit a bit too casually.

Clad in black skinny jeans, a white long-sleeved button up, and a thin black tie. He was also wearing black Converse and his hair lay in a neat fringe swooped across his forehead. Dan knew his parents would fuss over him because they always found something that wasn't good enough when it came to anything involving Dan, but he hoped they wouldn't notice.

Of course that was just wishful thinking on his part because Dan had to introduce them and they even had the audacity to comment on Phil's lack of appearance to his face. His British friend had blushed profusely and swiftly explained that he was here on vacation with his family, hadn't brought his dress clothes, and accompanied the whole ordeal with a profound apologize.

His mother put a fake smile on her lips and said, "Oh, that's alright, dear. Just find a seat behind a table and don't draw too much attention to yourself."

"Yes, of course, ma'am. Right away." Phil had said, hiding his hurt expression with one of nonchalance. Dan quickly excused them lest his parents would find another thing to disapprove of.

"I'm terribly sorry about that, Phil. You look great, honestly." Dan assured once he sat the boy down beside Louise. Phil still looked ashamed of himself, and tried to tuck himself away into the tablecloth. "Seriously, fuck them, Phil. Nothing is good enough for them, not even me. Don't feel bad."

"I can't help but to feel poorly. They acted as if my presence ruined the whole evening." Phil sulked, fiddling with the cuffs of his sleeves nervously.

"They're not worth feeling bad, Phil." Dan swallowed the impulse to joke that his presence had ruined their whole lives, but opted not to when he realized it would sound more pitiful than comical. "Thank you both for coming, though. It makes this a little more bearable for me."

"Of course, sweetie. I know how they are." Louise said, and Phil offered a comforting smile, opening his mouth to say something, but Dan cut him off.

"I've got to go offer wine to the guests." And he excused himself then because he could see the questions in Phil's eyes, could read the words in his mind before they left his mouth. _Why did you leave early last Saturday? Why have you been avoiding me? Why are you avoiding me now?_

And Dan knew that he would have to answer truthfully because Phil already knew too much to fall for the lies he told everyone else. _I'm fine, don't worry. Just stressed because of my parents. Nothing's wrong._ He knew that wouldn't work on Phil; not now, not after last weekend.

Dan ran around all night like a chicken with his head cut off, talking just enough to Louise and Phil to keep them from being suspicious and just enough to guests to seem polite. He was physically and emotionally drained from trying so hard to seem perfect, and he couldn't wait until the whole night was over with so he could lay on his bed in just his underwear and socks and let himself feel real again.

The night was drawing closer to an end with each minute passing, but it wasn't coming soon enough. Dan knew that if he didn't allow himself five minutes alone so he could let the facade slip then he would do something he would seriously regret later - whether it was downing enough bottles of wine until he got drunk, or having a nervous breakdown in front of everybody, and his parents wouldn't like either.

So, with an excuse of having to use the bathroom already forming in his head (in case his parents noticed his absence and would later decide to comment on it). As he made his way up two stories to his bedroom, he heard more footsteps behind him. He sent a prayer up to God that it wasn't one of his dad's weird friends (he could still remember the feeling of that lust-filled gaze on him and a pat on the back that was too close to his ass).

He sat on his bed, eyes trained on the door, waiting for some middle-aged man who wasn't happy with his wife to stalk through. It never happened, though, because Dan's fear was replaced by an awkward Phil Lester in his doorway.

"Do you mind?" The British voice asked, and the boy behind it gesturing inside. Dan shook his head and wtched him slip into his room and sit beside him.

"Are you okay?" Phil asked, and Dan was suddenly fearful all over again; Phil would ask him questions, and he would expect a truthful answer, and Dan would have to give it to him.

"I just needed a minute away from everything," Dan said, breathing a sigh and finally let his lips fall from the fake smile they were forced to hold.

"I understand," was all Phil said, and Dan was almost triumphant for a minute that he'd gotten away without too many questions, but then he realized that he was never that lucky.

"This isn't the best time, I'm sure, but I don't know when I'll be able to talk to you again," Phil started, eyes glancing sideway to gauge Dan's reaction. "Why have you been avoiding me, Dan? Did I do something wrong?"

Dan sighed and decided that if Phil hadn't told his secrets yet, then there was a good chance he could keep a few more - and even if Dan wasn't sure about it, he had no other choice but to trust in him.

"I was embarrassed," he mumbled bashfully, training his eyes anywhere else in the room instead of Phil.

"Embarrassed?" Phil repeated, surprised. "About what, Dan? I thought we were having a good time. You left so abruptly that even mum had thought she'd upset you." He paused for a second, thinking. "Did we? Did we upset you?"

"No, Phil, both of you are great. It's just," Dan sighed, gathering his words. This was harder than he remembered - talking about his feelings. It was easier last week when he hadn't meant to, or maybe he had meant to, he couldn't remember. Either way, he was too drained to be soppy right now. "It's just that I told you something that I've never actually told anyone, and that scared me. And embarrassed me."

It was silent for a full minute, but Dan could almost see the gears turning in his blue-eyed friend's head.

"You told me that you were lonely. Is that what you're talking about now?"

"Yeah," Dan said, and he could tell that Phil was waiting for him to elaborate, but it never came.

"Dan, you're just silly. There's nothing embarrassing about admitting you're lonely sometimes. Everyone gets that way." Phil said, a chuckle behind his words. "I get lonely, too, Dan."

Dan groaned and shook his head. That's not what he meant. Not at all. "No, Phil, it's different for me."

"How so?"

"I mean, like, you have an amazing family. Maddy is great, and so are your parents. I don't have that. I come home to an empty house most days out of the year. I don't have a family, really. And that's lonely." Dan explained, eyes downcast to the floor. He could feel Phil's arms against his own, could feel their legs pressed together all the way down and parting at their feet, could feel the noisless sigh that escaped his friend's lungs.

"Bloody hell, Dan. I have a good family, I know, but you have something that I don't - friends." He paused, pulling in a breath. "You have loads of them, and I envy you for that. I'm lonely, too, Dan, and I can't imagine how bad it will be once I return to Manchester."

"That's still different, Phil. I'm alone every time I come home. No one is ever here." Dan argued. He probably sounded like he was trying to one up Phil at a pity contest, but he didn't mean it like that.

"I'm alone everyday when I go to school. I literally don't have any friends, unless you count the group of kids that are nice enough to let me sit near them at lunch so I don't get picked on. They don't talk to me, though, and I'm not allowed to talk to them." Phil explained. "Just because it's different, doesn't mean it hurts less."

Dan didn't say anything because he didn't know what to say, so he just mulled over what Phil had said.

"Someone wise once told me, 'it's hard all around,'" Phil said with a light chuckle. Dan grinned up at him now. Somehow talking to Phil had made him feel better, made him feel less alone in such a lonely world because Phil got it, Phil understood.

"Thank you," he said, and lolled his head over to rest on Phil's shoulder. He may not have known him long, but he knew that Phil was a good friend.

"You're welcome," Phil said, resting his hand over on Dan's thigh. "Listen, now, if you're ever too lonely, just text me, or call if it gets too bad. Even if I'm back home."

"But, you'll be in England. What about time difference? You'll be going to sleep when I'm coming home from school." Dan pointed out, a frown forming in his lips.

"I'm a light sleeper," Phil said with a shrug.

"No, you're not. You could sleep through a train wreck in your living room," Dan chuckled. Phil cracked a grin at him.

"You're right, but I'll still be here for you."

\--

"Despite the fact that I'm not 'properly dressed' for the occasion, this party was pretty fun." Phil says randomly while the three if them are sitting at the table. Some guests were starting to leave, and that meant Dan was allowed to sit down with his friends now as long as they didn't get too rowdy.

" _Fun?_ " Dan asked, surprise evident in his voice and actions - widened eyes, mouth parted, eyebrows knitted together. "This was about as fun as getting shot in the leg, Phil."

"Actually, you should see the Forth of July party they throw every year," Louise spoke up. "That one is probably the most fun."

"Why? What's special about it?" Phil asked.

"Well, it's more casual than this, and everyone gets to swim in the pool and Dan's dad grills food for everyone. They let off fireworks on the beach, too." She explained, using hand gestures with every word.

"That's more of a get together than a party, though," Dan chimes in. "It's mostly just family and close friends and my parents don't act as fake as they normally do. It's one of the more enjoyable evenings spent with them."

"That sounds great, actually." Phil said. Dan can see the excitement in his eyes, and pushes away the urge to call him a major dork because who gets excited about parties thrown by adults? Then it hit him.

"Wait, have you ever actually been to a party? And I don't mean a business party." Dan asked incredulously. Phil shook his head, a light pink tinting his cheeks.

"Oh, that settles it then. I didn't think I was gonna go this year, but next weekend Aaron Holts is throwing the biggest party of the summer because his parents are leaving for the weekend. We're going." Dan says excitedly. He was taking Phil's party virginity and he was thrilled to show him the fun side of life.

"I didn't think he was throwing one this year," Louise said, then turned to Phil to fill him in. "Aaron Holts is quarterback on the football team, and he's on Dan's baseball team. He's a funny guy, not to mention he throws the best parties anyone has ever been to."

"Wait, you play baseball?" Phil asked, surprised, as he turned to Dan.

"Yeah, in the spring. Basketball and swim team, too." Dan said, shrugging. "I like to be busy. But, anyway, Aaron is a legend because of his parties."

"They're epic," Louise agreed.

"His party is going to be so lit that you're never going to enjoy another party unless it's his - yeah, they're that good." Dan said, matter-of-fact.

"Well, I guess, if I have to." Phil said in mock dread, but Dan could tell he was excited.

Fast forward a half hour later and Dan was helping show guests out, telling everyone to /drive safe/ and /it was just wonderful to see you, again./ Louise had left with the crowd after hugging Dan and saying a respectful farewell to James and Ella. Phil stayed after everyone had left because his house was just a walk down the beach.

Dan's parents shot them a look, almost as if they were telling Dan to get rid of the boy - which they probably were, knowing them.

"Thanks for coming, Phil. I really do appreciate it. " Dan said, pulling the British boy in for a small hug. "Also, I'm sorry about last week. I'm kind of stupid, really."

"That's fine, Dan." Phil laughed, a toothy grin plastered on his face.

"Hey! You're not supposed to agree with me," Dan said, faking hurt. They both shared a laugh before everything went quiet.

"Dan, I was hoping that, maybe, you'd like to, um, you know, come over tonight? I know that your parents are hard to deal with, so I thought that it might be easier if you got a break from them, especially after how frustrating tonight was." Phil rambled, nervously. His hands were fiddling with his tie and he was tapping his feet. "You obviously don't have to if you don't want. I'm not expecting you to, you know. I just thought - well, you know. And I didn't plan on doing anything special tonight, either. Maybe just watch a show, or whatever you want-"

"Why are you so nervous? Calm down." Dan joked, stilling Phil's swaying with a hand on his shoulder.

Phil shrugged, sucking his bottom lip between his teeth and chewing on it.

"That would be great, Phil."

And that night, Dan didn't have to ask to sleep with Phil and he didn't have to feel weird about, either. But, most of all, Dan didn't have to feel lonely.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for the reads and kudos - those are so lovely. Also, keep up the comments bc it motivates me to write and lets me see your thoughts and opinions on this story - which are both good things because I love to write and love & value your opinion
> 
> Tell me what you think down below! x


	5. five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> party party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its been a while but I've been unmotivated
> 
> also school starts back on Wednesday and I want to cry bc no but hey I'll have way more time to write and I'll actually be able to maintain an updating schedule so that's a plus
> 
> now dive on in

Despite the fact that Phil's parents were pleased with him making new friends and putting himself out there, he knew that they would not permit him going to some party when they didn't know the kid - though neither did Phil - or the parents and were aware that there would surely be drinking, possibly drugs, and sex.

Of course, when Phil told this problem to Dan, who was hellbent on Phil attending this party, the American boy supplied a rather immature solution of _lie to them, Phil._ And when he was completely shocked  by that answer and said _what?_ because Phil was not one to lie to his parents, Dan simply rolled his eyes and suggested he tell his parents that _you're coming to my place for dinner and then we'll leave._

Phil didn't like the idea, but he didn't like the possibility of his new friends calling him a wimp and excluding him even less, so he gave into the peer pressure and agreed. It was funny how the desire to fit in could make someone completely throw their morals out the window.

So when Saturday night rolled around and Phil got a text of _making stir fry, come over_ , he winked at Maddy (who was covering for him because she was not going to a party _full of highschoolers_ ) and asked his mom if he could go chill at Dan's and probably stay the night.

"You haven't have dinner yet, dear," came his mum's reply, and when Phil supplied that his friend was cooking, she agreed, kissed his forehead, and told him not to do anything too crazy. The guilt had hit him in the gut and pulled a sweat from his skin. He hated lying to his mum and he was pretty sure that the party couldn't be worth the trouble if he felt this bad.

He left before he could call Dan and cancel, making quick time of the short walk to said boy's house. When he arrived, he had a shoe full of sand - because he was smart and decided to walk the back way through the beach rather than the front way on the pavement - and a heart full of guilt.

Dan made it better, though, because they ate stir fry and started watching Sherlock because 1) it's one of the best shows on television and 2) Dan had never witnessed the beauty that is Benedict Cumberbatch in his long coat and scarf.

"Shit, this is good," Dan said, mouth full of food.

"The food or Sherlock?" Phil asked amusedly, smiling around his chicken.

"Both. Oh, my God." Dan said, eyes never leaving the screen. By the time the first episode was over, Dan was saying _we should just watch this next episode_ and of course, Phil had said that _we're going to be late and then you'll blame me for us not going._

So, they Dan sent and got ready and came back out to see Phil still sitting in the living room. He received a less-than-impressed look, to which Phil replied with, "what?"

"Are you seriously wearing that? To the party?" Dan asked, looking him over with a skeptical face.

"Yeah? I was going to," Phil trailed off, looking down at his attire. He was wearing black jean shorts that used to be his skinny jeans, but were cut off above the knee. His shirt was also adorned with different Pokémon and said _Gotta Catch 'Em All_ (he'd declared this his PokémonGo shirt).

"No, you're not. You look like a little kid, Phil," Dan said, dragging him up to his room.

"That's my aesthetic, Dan. Obviously," he muttered, stumbling up the stairs because of how fast Dan was pulling him - he was clumsy enough on his own, and definitely didn't need any more help.

"Well, not tonight." Dan replied, searching through his closet, grabbing a shirt, before moving to his wardrobe, and pulling out a pair of black skinny jeans which Phil thought looked just like one of his pair. "Here try this."

Phil took the clothes and looked them over. A black v-neck, and a lookalike of his black jeans. He was sensing a theme here, and it was, well, black. "These look like my jeans,"

"That's because they are, dingus. You left these last time you were here. Remember, you spilt milk all over them and I had to wash them." Dan rolled his eyes, waving his hands at the clothes and telling him to hurry up.

Phil mouthed and "oh," and went into the bathroom, getting dressed quickly. He didn't like how darkly Dan had dressed him, and he wasn't sure why the American boy had chose this anyway. Dan usually never dressed in such dark clothes. It was summer, anyway, and it would just attract heat.

"Um, Dan,"  Phil started, opening the door and stepping out. "I really don't like how dark I look. I look intimidating and mean."

Dan gave him a once over and nodded, "I mean, you look good, with the dark contrasting your pale skin, but you do look like a scary, punk giant." He laughed to himself a bit, and started searching for another shirt. "Besides, your personality is way too adorable for that."

Phil blushed slightly, just hecuaee the compliment was so sincere and meaningful. Dan had praised his looks, but the inside.

"Thank you,"

"Of course," Dan said, brushing him off and handing him a light blue button up. It has short sleeves and a pocket on the left side of the chest. He quickly stripped of his shirt and placed the other on, making fast work of buttoning the material up.

"That's better," Dan nodded. "Fits you better. Bright and happy, you know,"

\--

Dan ended up calling a cab when Phil protested them driving at all, saying there was no way in hell he'd allow anyone to get behind the wheel drunk.

They met Louise, Chris, and Pj at the party, and talked briefly before going into the loud party.

"I'm not drinking, so I'll be in charge of making sure everyone gets home," Louise said, smoothing out her floral skirt.

"Aw, Lou! You do care," Chris grinned, placing his hand over his heart and sighing dramatically.

"You're wrong. I don't." Louise deadpanned, staring directly at Chris with a straight face. "My parents only agreed on me going to this party because I said there would be no drinking. Therefore, I can't drink."

"Ouch, I'm hurt," Chris said, clutching his chest and doubling over. They shared a quick laugh before Peej explained that he would also be keeping it light on the drinking, for the sole reason that he would be watching over Chris. Dan quickly explained to Phil that a drunk Chris is basically the same sober Chris - as car as being totally wild - just multiplied tenfold.

"Well, you do what you want, but I'm getting wasted!" Dan shouted, pumping a fist in the air. He then grabbed Phil's wrist and pulled his arm up for a second time. "And so is this guy!"

\--

Long story short, Dan was right. The both ended up getting pretty drunk. It didn't take much for Phil because he'd never had a drop of liquor in his life, and it affected him greatly.

Phil, who was rather uncomfortable at first, was really enjoying himself now that he had his liquid courage. He'd met Aaron, the host of the party, and ended up doing shots with him. Dan had also introduced him to a bunch of other people on his various sports teams. Everyone was really nice and crazy and Phil wondered why making friends was so easy I'm America, rather than his own home town.

Dan stayed with him the whole time while he was meeting people, which Phil was thankful for even of he was comfortable; he enjoyed spending his time with the boy.

At some point during the night, Phil found himself on a trampoline with Chris and PJ and he was pretty sure that Dan had left for something - maybe to find Louise or possibly the bathroom, but he couldn't remember. They were jumping and bouncing and Phil kept falling and giggling.

"Agh! Stop!" He shouted when he slipped again. Everything was delayed, even their reations. Chris kept jumping, slipped over Phil, and fell on him, knocking PJ over as well. Peej landed on top of them and they all groaned, deciding that they'd had enough jumping.

After wondering aimlessly for a half hour, Phil found Louise, but not Dan. He wasn't too concerned, and started dancing on the makeshift dancefloor.

Aaron's house was very big, and the living room was no exception, especially with a the furniture pushed out of the way. Phil twirled himself and Louise around until he was dizzy from watching her skirt. The flowers kept swirling, just like a wind was blowing through the air and dancing the petals around. Phil was still swaying even once they stopped and Louise had to hold his shoulders to steady him.

"Hey," someone said behind Phil. He turned to see Dan, who had disheveled hair, a blush on his cheeks, and grass on his jeans.

"Dan!" Phil yelled over the music, wrapping the boy in a tight hug. "Where were you?" They both stumbled around for a moment, before Dan held up two bottles of water.

"Thought this might help sober us up because it's getting late," he explained, though somewhat slurred and unintelligible, though Phil was just the same. "Then I fell. Outside."

"Why were you outside?" Phil asked, trying to pull the cap from the bottle. After two minutes of struggling, Louise took it from his hands, and opened it for him saying something along the lines of _you've got to twist you silly goose._

"I'm not sure. Seemed like a good idea at the time." Dan said, taking swig from his own water.

"I'm having a good time, Danny. Thanks for bringing me!" Phil slurred, grinning and beginning to dance. They swayed gently to the music for longer than they probably thought, talking gently about random things that honestly didn't make sense - even to them, really.

Once the party started to disperse a little bit, a guy by the name of Jackson - Dan quickly said that he's on the swim team - got up on a table and started shouting to play Truth or Dare.

Dan and Phil were a bit more sobered up now, as they'd stopped drinking alcohol and switched to water. They were still drunk, of course, just not as bad.

"This is the just like the cliché American parties you see in movies," Phil laughed as they took their spot on a large circle, side by side, knees touching. Chris and Pj were straight across from them, and Phil was pretty sure he saw Louise on the couch, talking with some girl. Well, he thinks that it might be Louise. He could just barely make out a floral skirt.

"You've got to have the whole experience, Phil." Dan mused, chuckling a bit to himself.

Truth or Dare turned out to be more like If-You-Pick-Truth-Then-You're-A-Chicken-And-We're-Going-To-Tease-You-Until-You-Chose-Dare or Dare. So far, some boy whose name was apparently Bryce had to kiss the girl beside him, someone else had to strip and run up the street stark naked, and a girl had to flash her bra. Typical horny teenagers.

Cameron spun the bottle and everyone watched as the empty beet container slowed to a stop, pointing just a centimeter left of Phil.

"Phil! My favorite British lad!" Cameron started, even though they'd only met a few hours prior - but Phil was probably the only British guy he knew, so therefore the statement wasn't incorrect, just biased. "Truth or Dare?"

"Well, I kind of have to pick Dare, or you'll just pressure me until I do." Phil started.

"So, is that a Dare, then?" Cameron asked, a mischievous grin growing in his face. Phil would've been worrisome of the idea he was concocting if he had been a bit more sober.

"Yes, it's a Dare. I choose Dare," Phil agreed, a smile pulling at his lip, raising the corners of his mouth up to meet his alchol-blushed cheeks. Everyone cheered at his choice, though it's not like he had much of an option.

"So, Phil, you've been getting pretty friendly with my boy, Daniel, here, so why don't you two go do a round of seven minutes in heaven in the spare bedroom!" He suggested with a holler, everyone else joining in until the only noise to he heard was jumbled chanting.

"What? No! No way," Dan said, completely rejecting the idea, but no one could hear him over their own voices. Phil mumbled something about _just come on, we don't have to do anything anyway._

Once the door to the vacant bedroom was shut and locked, and a timer had been set by one of the other player, Dan and Phil started to get antsy.

"This is stupid. I'm not even gay, and neither are you. Like, why would this even be a good idea?" Dan groaned, pacing around the room. Phil stayed silent, debating on what to say - come out to Dan or just leave it? It's not like he purposefully kept this from Dan; he's not ashamed of his sexuality, it's just not the thing that comes up in conversation -  _would you like to grab some pizza later, oh yeah, by the way, I like dicks and not in the way that I like my own dick, I mean like as in let-me-deep-throat-that-cock like._ No.

"Why aren't you saying anything? You don't think this is a good idea, do you?" Dan asked, having stopped his pacing and standing still in front of Phil.

"I mean, I don't think it's a great idea, but they're not wrong on the gay part," Phil said with a shrug, trying to feign nonchalance when he was actually worried as to how Dan would react. He'd grown pretty close with the boy and it'd destroy him for things to be weird between them, or worse, Dan not accepting him. Though, he remembers that Dan was pretty chill when he found out Madeline was lesbian, but some guys find that hot and still think being gay is wrong. He hopes Dan isn't like that.

"What do you mean they're not wrong? I'm not gay," Dan asked, he'd cocking to side slightly with a look of confusion plastered on his face.

"Well, no, you're not gay, but I am," Phil said, elaborated. His breath was caught in his thoat, and his won nervousness had sobered him up immensely.

"Okay, cool, whatever, that's fine. That's cool. But, even so, why would Cameron put us together? I mean, seriously." Dan rambled, beginning to pace again. Phil breathed a sigh of relief at how indifferent Dan seemed to be over the situation. He was really glad that his friend wasn't a repulsed homophobe, but he was also happy that he didn't make a big deal out of it, either. It was just a fact, a piece of his character like the color of his eyes - blue and not a big a deal; normal.

"I really don't know, but who cares?" Phil shrugged.

"Well, I do. I don't want everyone thinking we're together when we're just friends. That's annoying, you know? Not that I'm embarrassed by you or anything, don't think that. It's just that it's not true." Dan stopped and explained, huffing and then sighing and then pacing again. "I mean, what do they expect us to do right now, anyway? Make out? Because obviously we're not making out,"

"I mean, we could," Phil suggested, shrugging. "They think we are anyway."

"Why would we do that, Phil? I mean, really? Come on," Dan said, clearly not impressed by the offer.

"Just saying that we could. They're going to think we made out either way. The way I see, we might as well," he said. Dan stood nervously in front of him, hands fiddling with his shirt.

"Do you really think that's a good idea? For us to make out?" The brunet asked, and this time it wasn't spoken sarcastically or belittlingly, but timid and shy and serious. Did Phil really think this was a good idea?

"I mean, honestly, it's probably not, but-" Phil was cut off when a pair of lips were pressed up to his own, and hesitant fingers were carding through his hair. His own hands found their way to Dan's hips, steadying the boy as he swayed slightly.

The kiss wasn't one that could be classified as heated. Far from it, actually. It was soft and hesitant and unsure, but it was also firm lips and warm breaths and tinted cheeks.

When Dan finally pulled away, Phil could see that his lips were redder than before and he didn't seem as nervous. The British boy deduced that as a good sign and pecked him once more on the lips before someone was shouting behind the door that the time had been over for two minutes.

Maybe it was a good idea and maybe the party was worth it, after all, but he'd just have to wait until morning to be sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments keep me going and inspire/motivate me to write more, so if you're reading this (its too late) then be sure to leave your opinion down below 
> 
> xx lots of love, pal
> 
> also things are escalating now I mean they kissed so that's something
> 
> stay tuned, and thanks for reading


	6. six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the Morning After and some self-discovery - to an extent

The morning after the kiss was far different than any other Morning After Dan had been a part of - not that he had experienced too many Morning Afters, but he'd had a few.

Dan had woken up late in the morning, almost noon, to find Phil slumped over on his couch, half of his limbs hanging off - which is were he'd been ever since six o'clock this morning when he'd woken up in a sweat and dashed to the bathroom. The brown-haired boy groaned as he remembered the startled boy waking him up early this morning as he climbed over Dan on his way to the toilet.

Finding it hard to go back to sleep with the light shining in his eyes, Dan peeled the blankets off of his sweaty body and stood up. The blood quickly rushed to his brain and did nothing to help his already pounding headache. He swayed for a minute before catching his balance and going downstairs, groaning with every step.

He grabbed a glass of water and the whole bottle of aspirin and trudged his way upstairs. Literally, five minutes later he was back in his room and tapping Phil on the shoulder.

"Phil, you've got to get up." Dan groaned, pushing him a little bit. In return, the British boy moaned and pulled a face.

"Yeah, it's bad. I've got a hangover, too, but you have to get up." Dan said sternly. He knew that the boy's mother would he expecting him home soon, if she wasn't already. He hadn't intended on them sleeping in so late, but a part of him was glad they had - it let the hangover wear off a bit.

"Up we go," Dan said, heaving the boy upright. They both groaned, even though the American was doing most of the lifting. Once he actually got Phil to stand up, he dosed him with about as much aspirin and a human can ingest without overdosing and gave him water to swallow down. He then repeated the action on himself.

"I'm never drinking again," Phil moaned, holding his head and stumbling towards the bathroom. Luckily, he didn't throw up again.

"That's what they all say, but it never lasts," Dan mused, remembering when he himself had once said the same thing. Obviously it didn't hold to be true because it wasn't even a week later when he was drinking again.

"Well, I'm the exception," Phil groaned, stepping out of the bathroom. His eyes were shut and he swayed slightly as he stood. The first hangover is always the worst - not that any of them are pleasant.

"Yeah, okay, buddy," Dan hummed, placing his hand between Phil's shoulder blades and feeling the sweat-sticky fabric. He started leading the boy downstairs, trying to help keep him balanced. "Let's get some food. It should help."

Dan whipped them up a quick breakfast of bacon and eggs before serving it on two plates, getting Phil a change of clothes, and sending him on his way once he started feeling better. It's a wonder what greasy food and aspirin can do for someone.

It wasn't until he was finally alone in the quiet of his house did Dan really start to think about the Morning After. It was a mixture of groans, painkillers, and taking care of Phil. That was far different than the usual regret or morning cuddles that meant nothing.

But Dan hadn't actually realized yet that he was calling this the Morning After because Phil had kissed him.

Or did he kiss Phil?

Everything in his mind was fuzzed over and he couldn't recall who had initiated it. But he could remember Phil coming out to him - which was pretty cool that the boy seemed so confident with his sexuality - and the feeling of his friend's lips pressed against his own.

Why had they even kissed in the first place? As far as Dan knew, they didn't have feelings for each other.

"Oh," he said aloud to no one. "Seven minutes in heaven. Of fucking course." He briefly wondered if Phil even remembered. Surely he would remember if they had kissed, even if he was drunk. That's not just something one forgets.

Dan didn't understand, though. They kissed. Phil came out. But they're not attracted to one another. Not that Phil wasn't attractive, because, fucking hell, he was, but Dan didn't like boys.

But he liked that kiss, didn't he?

"No," he scoffed, flipping on the television in the living room. "I was drunk. I barely even remember the kiss, so I couldn't have liked it. And even if I did at the time, I was probably confused and drunk off my ass and mistook Phil for a really hot girl. Yeah." He wasn't sure if he was trying to convince himself or not.

He quickly turned the channel to last night's basketball game and layed back against at the couch, planning to spend his Sunday alternating between watching TV and sleeping.

That was well and good until about six in the evening when he couldn't sleep for thinking and he was growing tired of sports games. A sudden whim to take a walk hit him, so he pulled on a pair of questionably clean basketball shorts and laced up his Nikes.

The only thing on his mind as he walked to the lighthouse in Folley was that kiss he shared with Phil. Dan was almost tempted to pretend he'd dreamt it all, but the reality of it all just kept nagging at him.

Did this make him gay? Or bi? Or something else that wasn't straight? Surely not, it was just one kiss. But did he like it? Dan couldn't remember.

Finally, he just shrugged and decided to enjoy his walk, coming to the conclusion that the only way of figuring all this out was to kiss Phil again. Sober. And then he would know that he didn't like it and they would go on with life and things would be back to normal.

And if he did like it, well, Dan would deal with that later.

But it's not like he would actually enjoy kissing another male.

\--

Apparently finding the right time to kiss someone is harder than Dan had previously anticipated.

He spent everyday up until Thursday trying to find time alone with Phil, but just as he had been trying for that, he wondered if Phil remembered and was avoiding him. Maybe Phil remembered and was embarrassed. Maybe Dan had initiated the kiss and Phil hadn't wanted it and was scared of Dan.

_That's a bit farfetched_ , Dan thought because Phil didn't even seem wary around him. It was just like normal, except Dan himself was stuck in his head, trying to figure out how and when to kiss the other boy.

There was no way in hell that he was going to kiss the British boy when everyone - Louise, PJ, Chris, and Maddy - were around. He didn't need their questions or accusations. He needed Phil and his lips so he could squash that voice in the back of his head saying "maybe you like it, maybe you're gay," because honestly, it was getting annoying.

He'd briefly pondered the idea of inviting Phil over for the night and making the moves on him then but a moment's consideration later and he realized that, no, that would not be a good idea. Firstly, he really didn't want it to get any more heated than a kiss, and Dan knew how being alone and having the possibility to go further could affect that. Secondly, if things got awkward, he didn't want Phil or himself stuck in an awkward situation all night.

So he waited. He spent everyday smiling and pretending in front of his friends while his mind was a battle of whether or not he should kiss Phil.

He found it odd how no one really noticed his distant behavior. Dan figured that they had stuff going on, or maybe he was just an amazing actor.

Currently, it was evening and they were all sitting on beach towels, air drying after an afternoon of playing in the ocean.

"You should totally come over for the night," Louise suggested, looking toward Madeline. She grinned and nodded and she pulled her wet hair into a messy ponytail. It was weird how Dan didn't have any romantic attraction to her anymore. Obviously she's pretty, with her flaming orange hair and freckled skin, but Dan just can't see himself with her like that anymore. Doesn't even _want_ to see himself with her like that. He figured it was like that because they were friends now.

"That would be fun, yeah," Maddy agreed, then a sigh escaped her lips. "But I have to get a change of clothes, and I really don't want to." She looked back in the direct their house was, though there was no way she could see, then her gaze changed toward her brother with an innocent smile.

"I don't care to go," Phil sighed, though the smile on his lips contradicted the glare he shot her.

"You're the best, Philip! Just grab some shorts and t-shirts if you don't mind." Maddy informed. "Oh, and a bra and undies, you know."

"Alright," Phil stated, and staggered to get up, brushing the sand off his trunks. He started walking away, and everyone else resumed talking. Dan saw the door of opportunity open and the light beckoning him to act upon it. He shot up like he'd been struck with lightening, causing a break in conversation and confused look. He paid them no mind.

"Oh, I'll come with you! I need something drink, anyway," Dan hollered after the boy. Phil simply nodded and smiled, yelling "come on, then" in return.

Dan rushed after him and then slowed once he'd caught up. It was obvious that despite all his plotting and thinking, he'd not actually prepared himself for this moment. Nothing was set in stone, and he realized that he could just back out and follow his excuse of needing water, but he also knew that his mind would still be filled with questions. Besides, he wasn't exactly sure when he'd get another chance.

As they walked up the back steps to Phil's temporary home, Dan noticed that he couldn't recall the walk here. Sometimes his mind had a way of making him feel completely lost, both internally and externally.

"So, I just have to grab some clothes, but you can help yourself to anything in the kitchen," Phil said, making his way up the stairs. Dan grabbed some water to calm his nerves, and to wet his cotton-dry mouth. He quickly weighed the pros and cons in his head.

Pros: he would finally have some answers.

Cons: he could potentially ruin his friendship with Phil, things could be awkward between them, he could possibly die of embarrassment.

Dan groaned, and despite the amoubt of cons, he decided that the one pro outweighed all of them. Dan hated being caught in his mind so much.

He sipped at his water before sitting the glass down and with a determined look on his face, he marched up the stairs. He was doing this and he wasn't going to chicken out because Dan Howell may be a lot of things, but a pussy wasn't one of them - and yeah, he might potentially ruin every shred of friendship he had built with Phil, but he's lost important people before and he could deal.

"Hey, sorry to keep you waiting, I'm just making sure Maddy has everything," Phil said. Dan watched him scramble around for a minute, grabbing a phone charger, some pajamas, and even socks. He completely ignored what the British boy had said, instead replying with something different altogether.

"Last Saturday at the party, we kissed."

It wasn't a question, but a statement of fact. He wasn't asking for assurance, but possibly a reaction.

And a reaction he got. Phil turned around completely, now facing him with eyes wide and mouth slightly ajar. He looked shocked, and also kind of sick - like he was going to throw up.

"I, um, I," He coughed loudly, clearing his throat to keep his voice from cracking again. "I thought you hadn't remembered,"

Dan was shocked now. Phil had known all along, and he was just going to let Dan go on like nothing had happened? He bit back the courage to get angry, realizing that Dan had basically done the same thing and besides, Phil had probably been embarrassed or scared, maybe even both.

"You know?" Dan asked, just to he clear.

"Yes, I do."

"Did you like it?"

"I don't know," Phil started, running his hands through his damp hair. "I mean, I didn't hate it, but I don't even really remember it and I was drunk and I don't know what I was thinking or feeling at the time. I mean, I don't guess I hated it, but I don't remember enough." Dan didn't reply. He didn't know what to say. Phil looked nervous and confused, and honestly, the American felt kind of bad for him.

"Did you like it, Dan?" Phil asked. And that question was the straw that broke the camel's back because all week long thoughts of _did you like it?_ and _are you gay, now?_ had been circling around in his head, shouting over the other to be heard and Dan couldn't take anymore. He really couldn't.

"I don't know, Phil!" He yelled, tugging at his own hair in frustation. "I don't know if I liked it because I can hardly remember the damned kiss, but the only thing I've been able to think of for the past five days is if I liked it. Guess what, though? I don't fucking know, okay?"

"Okay," Phil said camly, hands up in surrender. "Just calm down. Why are you freaking out over this? We can just forget about it, yeah?"

"You don't understand! I can't forget about it, Phil, that's the only thing in my damn head," He said, groaning as he held his head on both sides. Why was this bothering him so much? It was just a stupid kiss? He's had a bunch of stupid kisses before. Why can't he shut his brain up?

"Okay, um, I'm sorry. Maybe we can talk about it? That could-"

"Kiss me," Dan interrupted.

"Pardon?"

"I said, kiss me." Dan reiterated.

"I don't think that's such a good idea, Dan." Phil tried softly.

"I need to know, Phil. Kiss me." He said, more demanding this time.

"That's really-"

"I swear to God, Phil, if-"

Dan was interrupted this time due to a pair of soft lips on his own. The kiss was different than the last. His mind wasn't drunken and cloudy, allowing him to actually take in details. Phil was nervous and tense, but his lips were loose and warm, soft and kind of wet. He smelled of salt and oddly enough, peppermint. Dan could feel the boy's hands shakily rest against his waist and pull him closer, deeper.

This was different than all of those kisses he had shared with girls. He was always pulling them close and holding them and trying to open them up, only to either be teased or given everything at once. This was slow and paced and everything Dan needed at the moment.

Also, Phil wasn't wearing nasty lipstick and didn't smell like Bath & Body Works had thrown up on him, so that was a plus.

But it's not like Dan hates kissing girls, because he doesn't. He just thinks he likes this better.

Then, does this make him gay? Or maybe bisexual? Or what?

"Did you like it, Dan?" Phil asked, pulling away and repeating himself from earlier, but now a smirk replacing his nervous stance. He was being cocky, and that was blatantly obvious, but Dan couldn't find it in himself to be concerned with that.

Before the kiss, he was so sure that he was going to hate even touching lips with Phil, or any boy. He was prepared to gag and throw up in his mouth, then put the whole thing behind them and move on with his life. He wasn't prepared for this. He wasn't prepared for more questions, when he was only seeking answers to a few.

What was his sexuality now? What would his friends think? What would his _parents_ think? Why did he even _care_ what his parents would think? Oh, yeah, because they have the power to both ruin his life and make him feel horrible about himself for eternity.

Despite all of this, and despite the urge just to lie to himself, to Phil, go everyone, he nodded and said, "Yeah, I did. I really did."

"Good, because I liked it, too." Phil agreed, before promising to continue this later after he took Madeline's stuff to her. Dan told him to hurry because he would be waiting, and then Phil left, replacing himself with Dan's thoughts.

The brunet didn't really understand what exactly was going on because while Phil wasn't ugly, he was pretty sure that he wasn't attracted to him. He did like kissing the boy, though.

So maybe that's what would become of this. Friends with benefits or something along those lines, because Dan was _not_ ready for a relationship right now, even less so for a relationship with Phil - of all people. He wasn't ready to come out to the world because he wasn't sure himself what he would be coming out as.

Nevertheless, Dan waited and he didn't run off to walk his feelings and thoughts away. Instead, he sat on Phil's bed, right where said boy had left him, and played his phone. And when the British boy walked through the door, Dan stood up to greet him with kiss that lasted until Phil's mother had asked him if he was staying over, to which he agreed, and then connected their mouths again.

So, maybe Dan didn't know what this meant or where it left them, but he knew that he didn't want to find out. He just wanted to kiss Phil Lester and ignore is troublesome thoughts. Because, really, what's the worst that could happen?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I FINALLY WATCHED SUICIDE SQUAD AND I COULD ACTUALLY TALK ABOUT IT FOR TWO DAYS, BUT I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT - so just know that I loved everything about it and the soundtrack was so good and I recommend it to literally everyone on the face of the Earth.
> 
> okay so this story has like no views but yolo I enjoy writing it so im gonna keep doing that bc I want to and I can so I will but if you'd like to comment and tell me that im not the only one who likes this, then that would be snazzy jazzy
> 
> later alligator  
> -shanna


	7. seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is such a filler okay  
> it can't all be smut and adventures  
> sometimes we just need to think and that's what Phil does

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hellooooo  
> sorry this isn't top of the line  
> oh well
> 
> also its shorter than usual but there's only so much filler you can write before it becomes overbearingly boring
> 
> also also this is pretty much unedited oml

Phil had offered for Dan to stay the night, but the boy had declined with the excuse of having things to do. He hadn't elaborated, and Phil hadn't pushed, slightly thankful for having some time to himself so he could think.

And by think he totally meant jerk off because Maddy was at Louise's and Dan wasn't over and his parents were downstairs asleep and, honestly, their whole make out session had really effected Phil's head - both of them.

After sorting himself out, and realizing that he'd just wanked off to thoughts of his best friend, his head felt heavy with stress and littered with confusion. Naturally, he didn't want to spend all night thinking about technicalities and feelings, so he ended up watching The Office until he fell asleep.

The next morning wasn't too pleasant, however because Madeline returned home and tried persuading him to go out and hang out and swim and this and that. Finally, she got the clue, and asked what his deal was. He made an escuse of being tired, so she smiled and suggested they watch the food network on the television in the lounge.

"Can we watch Chopped?" He asked pitifully as he curled up on the sofa.

"Obviously," Maddy agreed, grabbing them a spare quilt from the closet in the hallway. She placed it over the both of them after sitting herself down. Phil hummed in appreciation and they watched tv.

Phil couldn't stop his mind, though, and he offhandedly thought that maybe he should deal with his problems and then enjoy his day, not that he particularly wanted to.

Did he like Dan? Surely not in that way because the American boy was just his friend. A really good, best friend. He didn't want to mess that up. Not when he'd gotten so far

But, boy, did he like kissing Dan. Seriously, that boy had lips like strawberries and cream. And Dan's hands felt so good when they would run through his hair. He really enjoyed when Dan would pull away and gasp for air and Phil would offer to take a break but he just seemed so _hungry_ for more and would reconnect their mouths.

Phil shifted uncomfortably, realizing that he'd worked himself up with his vulgar thoughts. He mentally thanked the heavens for the blanket covering him right now.

What was he going to do about this entire situation? It was very obvious that he was attracted to Dan. One look at his crotch would very easily prove the fact. But, did he want a relationship with this boy?

He wasn't sure. Yeah, he liked kissing him, and he'd probably like more. And yeah, Dan was hot, he's not blind, but he really valued their friendship more than anything else.

He weighed the pros and cons for about twenty more minutes, before growing tired and settling on the possibility that he liked Dan as a friend - possibly more in the future - but he really liked kissing him. And maybe that was okay. Nothing had to change, expect the kisses they shared behind closed doors.

Phil knows that this will probably hurt himself in the end, but he can't bring himself to care.

"What are you thinking about? I can basically see steam coming out of your ears?" Madeline asked, muting the television. Phil glared at here, but then shrugged.

"I don't know. Lots of things." He said, flapping his arms around as by way of explanation. "I really like it here, M. I don't want to go back."

"Yeah, it's nice here, but you don't mean that. What about your friends back home?" She laughed, turning to face Phil now, adjusting the quilt.

"What about my friends here, Maddy?" Phil said. He came so close to admitting his secret. He didn't have friends at home, but he didn't want his family to worry. "I already feel closer to them."

"I understand, Phil, I do." She sighed. "But what can we do?"

"You mentioned going to Uni here. I know for sure that I am when I graduate." Phil said, eyebrows wagging. This was a perfect idea. Why hadn't he thought of it sooner?

"Yeah, I dis, but what does that have to do with anything at all?" She asked, her face scrunching in confusion.

"Get a flat here, silly. I could finish my last year of school in America with Dan and everyone else." He said, adding a 'duh' under his breath. This was literally the most genius plan he'd ever thought of.

"How am I going to pay for a flat, Phil. You're not thinking."

"I am! I'll get a parttime job and you could, too. I'm sure mum and dad could help some."

"They would never agree to this, Phil. They're not going to let both of their children move to another country." Madeline said, shaking her head, but Phil could see a spark. She wanted this too, he was sure.

"You're technically an adult, M. You'll be moving out anyway."

"They're not going to agree to me taking care of you! I'm not responsible."

"I'm not three, Madeline. I basically take care if myself."

"Phil, you're not thinking this through," She said, a frown setting on her features. "You really want to move five thousand miles for home? From mum and dad?" Phil sighed. He would miss them, but he was going to move in a year's time anyway. He just wasn't happy in Manchester.

"I'm not happy there," he said, as if that was explanation enough. Madeline cocked her head and raised and eyebrow, asking for more. Phil sighed. "That doesn't matter. Whatever. I'm leaving after  I graduate anyway. I'm going to University here. What's one less year?"

"I can't believe you're serious, and I can't believe that I actually love this idea," she stopped herself and shook her head. "But no, mum and dad would not let me keep you without their supervision. They just wouldn't allow it,"

"They could move here! They like it, too."

"But not as much as us. Mum wouldn't move away from all of our family, and dad has a job that he has to do through the year."

"Whatever," Phil huffed. "I'm moving after next year," and Madeline didn't argue with him or try and persuade him not to because Phil knew that she wanted this too. So, they kept quiet after that and watched Chopped, but both of them knew where they would be in a year's time. They would be living in a flat somewhere in South Carolina.

\--

Phil wanted to ask Madeline about Dan and what to do, because his sister always knew what to do. He didn't want the word to get around to his mother, though. Obviously, they knew he was gay, but they didn't need to know that he was making out with his best friend in their free time. She would never trust him to go to the American boy's house again because they would be alone. And she would allow Dan to be in Phil's room alone with him.

She probably wouldn't even let him go hang out with everybody unless Maddy watched him like a hawk. It's not like he thought his sister would rat him out, but he didn't want to take the chance of his mum eavesdropping because she's been known to do that.

So, Phil kept his mouth shut and his mind open and spent his day being lazy, unsure of what the future would bring. Dan might have initiated the kiss yesterday, but that didn't mean he wanted anything with Phil.

As far as he knew, Dan was straight, but he might have been questioning it. He had said something about needing to know and thinking about it all week. Maybe Phil was an easy way for Dan to test his curiosity.

Phil didn't know, and that's what made things hard. He would just have to wait and see what tomorrow would bring.

Hopefully, more kisses from his best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so yeah basically we know that Phil is all about Dan's mouth but probs not a relationship (yet) so be prepared for a bit of friends-with-benefits action for a bit
> 
> also Phil wants to be in America and I'm not sure why I wrote the whole bit of him and Maddy talking about it bc I hadn't originally planned on it but I really wanted to convey just how important American summers are to Phil
> 
> Like, obviously this isn't a super angsty story or even a sad one, but you need to know that Phil is not happy at his home - he literally has no friends and he doesn't feel like he belongs
> 
> I still don't know why i wrote that dialogue in but boom there's some sibling bonding there bc guess what, Maddy also wants to stay and study in America
> 
> also just so you know, there's only 16 chapters total and I'll most probably finish it so don't worry but like no one even likes this story so besides like 3 people, I feel like I'm writing this for myself
> 
> and that's okay in its own way
> 
> stay gold   
> ~ shanna


	8. eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cute at the beginning  
> sin towards the end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is overall literal trash. its not good. its not as well written as I would like, but its been longer than I'd like as well, so I wanted to get this out. I apologize for not update last week because on had my wisdom teeth removed and it was awful and I was awake and my jaw is still sore but the pain is overall gone so here I am. this wasn't edited or even read over again and I apologize but oh well.

Dan was fine. Honestly, he was. No matter how many times Louise asked how he was, that's what he said. And whenever she asked about what had happened the night Dan went with Phil to get Maddy's things, he said nothing - which wasn't the truth, but what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her. Because Dan was fine, and other than that, she didn't need to know anything.

But, really, he wasn't just fine. He was great, elated, happy. And maybe that had to do with Phil, or maybe he was just having a good week, he didn't know. But it was freaking everyone out, how he was always smiling and cheerful and just not like his usual calm and collected self.

Maybe they wouldn't have said anything, he thinks, if Phil also had said he was busy whenever they planned to hang out. On three separate occasions.

Louise was worried. PJ and Chris were mostly indifferent, but kind of curious because Dan was weirdly estatic and Phil was weirdly busy and they were the last to see each other when they were normal.

And Dan would've just shrugged and went Phil when he texted he was busy, until it had been a week and Phil literally never did anything unless it was with them, and he was starting to get worried.

Had he scared Phil off? Had he come on too strong? Had Phil not wanted to make out the whole night?

Surely not because if his memory rang true, he remembered the British boy being very into it all. He was even sporting a boner, much like Dan himself.

He grabbed his phone from the couch cushion beside him and pulled up Phil's contact. He texted a very quick message of _please come over we need to talk_ and then he thought that sounded like he was mad, so he sent an alien emoji and hoped for the best.

A response _okay see you in 15_ showed up on his phone a few minutes later. Dan scurried to get dressed, pulling on a pair of basketball shorts, and his new Yeezus shirt. He ran to the kitchen and grabbed the package of cookie dough, quickly putting the squares on a pan and putting the tray in the oven.

Cookies always helped the situation, no matter what the problem was. New neighbor? Cookies. Bored? Cookies. Made out with your best friend and possibly ruined the whole friendship? Cookies. Dan could eat cookies at any time.

He really needed to go on a jog later.

\--

A knock on the back door signalled Phil's arrival, and also gave Dan a miniature heart attack from his seat on the kicthen island.

"Come in," he yelled, and the door opened, closed, and footsteps were heard as they made their way into the kitchen.

"You needed to talk?" Phil asked, scratching his neck. Dan noted that he looked nervous, maybe worried.

"Yeah, I wanted to," he nodded, and smiled to ease his friend. If the other day's events were causing the awkward tension, Dan would take it all back in a heartbeat. "Um, I made cookies because I thought that might help to lighten the mood,"

"You made cookies?" Phil asked with a slight laugh.

"Well, I bought them from the store with Maria and just put them in the oven, you know." Dan explained, finally hopping down from the counter.

He checked the cookies while Phil asked, "Maria? The maid?" The cookies were done.

"Yeah," he hummed, grabbing the oven mitts and pulling the tray from the oven. He sat them atop the stop to cool. "We go shopping, like, once a week usually."

"Your parents don't buy groceries?" Phil asked, and Dan sighed. He knew the boy was just curious, but he really didn't want to talk about his parents right now. It's not like he could just ignore Phil, though. He was trying to make things better, not worse.

"I mean, technically they do. They just give the money to Maria to take me to the store. I usually get food I can cook, but I do have a debit card if I need clothes or I want to eat out. The essentials, I guess." He explained briefly, flashing a smile. Phil nodded, mumbled something about how odd that was, and started fiddling with the buttons on his shirt.

"Anyway, that's not what I wanted to talk to you about," Dan said, grabbing two plates and two glasses. He talked as we placed a few cookies on each and poured milk. "I actually wanted to ask you if everything was okay? Especially after the other day?"

Phil took a seat beside the American on the stool at the island.

"Yeah," he said, "things are fine. Why wouldn't they be?" Dan smiled, glad that Phil was fine, but still, he pressed on.

"I mean, you haven't been meeting up with us, even when Maddy would, and I thought that you, like, hated me." He was kind of embarrassed, and nervous. Had he really fucked this up?

"Of course not, Dan!" Phil said, grabbing his hand and clasping their fingers together. It was a bit off because Dan's hand was flat against the table and Phil's palm was on the back of hand, but he liked it. It was comforting and felt natural. "I was worried that you were weirded out or something. I mean, you've never kissed a guy before and we made out and things got heated and I just- you're okay, right? We're still friends?"

Dan grinned and nodded. Phil was beginning to act more like himself - slightly insecure, but friendly and sweet and cute.

"Of course. You're my best friend, Phil. I thought I ruined everything," he said honestly, biting his lip.

"That's what I thought!" Phil agreed, and smiled in relief himself.

"Okay, we're a bunch of cliché thirteen-year-old girls," Dan joked. "I mean, should we hug now or am I reading this wrong?"

Phil laughed. His genuine, head tipping back, tongue poking through his teeth, hands covering his mouth laugh. Dan couldn't help but join in, mostly feeling relieved despite his shattered nerves. He'd been worrying too long and this felt good.

"But, honestly," he started when they had calmed down. "Is this weird? I mean, how do you actually feel about it?"

Phil stalled for a minute, shoving a cookie in his mouth and then taking a long gulp of milk. His nervous demeanor started showing throw the crack. He cleared his throat.

"I don't," he started, coughing. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable, Dan. I would rather know where you stand first,"

Dan nodded. That was understandable because he felt the same way: nervous, tense, and worries. But if he was man enough to walk into Phil's home and beg to be kissed, then he could admit his feelings.

"Okay, so yeah," Dan began, feeling embarrassment wash over his body and settle in his stomach. He chewed his lips until they were sore and red. "I mean, we're great friends, and I don't want that to change, Phil. I would like to see where this goes because, yeah, I liked it, but I don't think that means anything."

A moment passed that felt like an eternity where the entire house was silent and rigid, as if the walls themselves would soon crumble under pressure. Then all at once, Phil folded his stiff body into a relaxed slouch before the walls gave way.

"Yeah, I feel like that. I mean, we can kiss without it meaning anything, you know? Just like, testing the waters in a way. We're just friends," Phil agreed, a smile gracing his features. "Friends kiss all the time."

"Totally."

\--

Dan and Phil decided to make a day out of their quick chat. After Phil called his mum and checked with her, the two boys took a bus into Charleston. They saw a movie and then went into some shops.

Phil had said, "You know, I haven't done much shopping, yet," and Dan wasn't having that. Phil mostly bought some clothes, but he got a few souvenirs - his favorite was a little snow globe of the beach down at Folley with a lighthouse in it, and instead of snowing when you shook it, pieces of sand rained down.

"I've never been to the lighthouse on Folley," he stater distractedly, picking up other trinkets in the store. Dan looked at him, completely shocked.

"You've never been? That's my favorite place in Folley besides my bed," he laughed, and immediately dragged Phil out of the store and onto the next bus back home.

They spent around ten minutes just climbing the outrageous amount of steps, and then an hour watching the waves crash against the shore. The two took selfies and tossed pennies to make wishes.

Dan wished to be happy and get away from his parents after highschool, and when he asked, Phil said that he couldn't tell because it wouldn't come true.

"It's getting late," Dan said as they started descending down the stairs. "Are you staying for dinner?"

Phil thought for a minute and shrugged, "If that's okay. Maybe we can catch up our anime."

"That sounds nice, actually. Would you like me to cook something or order a pizza?"

"Pizza, honestly,"

"Good, because I do _not_ want to cook,"

\--

After the pizza and television, the two friends made their way up to Dan's room and both of them plopped down on the bed.

"Today was a good day," Phil hummed, flipping over to face Dan, who did the same. "Thank you,"

"Don't thank me for that," he said, shaking his head. It was quiet for a minute until a mischievous smirk formed on his lips.

"Why's that?" Phil asked, furrowing his eyebrows and Dan's expression.

"Because you should be thanking me for this," Dan drawled slowly, seductively before moving closer and pressing his mouth to the British boy's. Phil was taken aback, but he quickly settled into the rhythm of their lips.

They moved slow with delicate pecks growing into explorative kisses, figuring out the other's mouth and all the places within.

Dan thought this was nice - feeling so close to a friend without any strings attached. It was better than hooking up with some girl at a party who was drunk, horny, and impatient. Dan could go as slow as he wanted, light sensations tickling his lips.

Phil's mouth was soft against his own, softer than he ever expects, but the surprise is pleasant every time they kiss. His hair feels smooth and straight when Dan pulls him closer and plays with it. His favorite place for his hands to be is at the nape on Phil's neck, twisting short black hair around his fingers.

Things begin to speed up when the slowness is no longer enough. Phil's hands find their way to Dan's hips and suddenly the American boy is being pulled on top. Dan likes it this way - legs straddling Phil's waist, hands in his hair, lips on his lips, moving fast.

He's out of breath and his lungs burn with lack of oxygen, but it feels good. Phil's mouth feels good as his tongue is sliding between Dan's lips. Phil's hands feel good as they slide under his shirt and his thumbs rub his bare hips. Phil feels good.

And then Dan pushes down against Phil, and he just wants to he closer, but their half hard dicks press together and they moan. Dan is in ecstasy and he does it again, on purpose this time.

"A bit excited I see?" Phil chuckles, rolling them over and pressing Dan between himself and the mattress.

"Shut up," Dan bit back, but his surge of dominance was cut off when Phil grinded against him, a whimper escaping his lips.

The two made out until they were panting and rutting against each other, desperate for more, and they didn't stop until they both came in their pants.

"Thank you," Phil had gasped afterwards, still coming down from his high.

Dan had only grinned and winked, saying, "I told you so,"

\--

Once night fell and the two friends had showered and changed into pajamas, they lay wrapped up in blankets and each other's limbs and Dan thought.

He thought about how happy he felt in this moment, content in Phil's arms as he slept. He didn't feel lonely with Phil, he never had.

And Dan realized something right at that moment; nights don't have be scary or lonely or a time that Dan has to run from his thoughts. Nights can be safe and warm and happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its 9/11 and my thoughts and prayers go out to any of the family members that lost someone during this time.
> 
> have a good day, and stay golden.
> 
> ~shanna


	9. nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nine  
> otherwise known as nein
> 
> im not German

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this goes from SIN to  
> throw it in the BIN
> 
>  
> 
> i thought that was kind of funny

Phil liked where they were at. He liked that Dan and himself were friends with benefits. He liked that they could touch each other and it not mean anything, no strings attached.

He also like where they were at in the physical sense as well because at the moment, they were laying on Dan's bed, as close as they could possibly get with their clothes on. Dan liked to pretend that he was in control when they kissed because he would straddle Phil and dominate the kiss, but it wasn't because he was the dominant one. Phil let him take control for a little while before he would flip them over and assume his rightful place.

He knew that Dan liked it too, with the way he writhed and moaned and bucked his hips up against Phil's. And Phil was pretty inexperienced until now, but he knew that he loved how reactive Dan was; the way he moved and the noises he made.

Phil thinks that Dan is pretty lucky in a way that he wasn't. Phil didn't have anybody to help him when he was discovering his sexuality, but he's glad he can help his friend with this. He doesn't consider it being used, either, because he's helping Dan and vice versa.

Dan laughed and flipped them over again so he was on top. He straddled Phil's hips, busying himself with the task of grinding their lower halves, creating as much friction as possible. Paying less attention to their mouths, he started to pull away, only to have Phil follow him as he moved his lips away.

He laughed and shook is head, "You're so gay," he said, and obviously Phil knew the boy was joking as Dan was sitting on him and grinding their hips together.

"So are you," Phil chuckled, pulling Dan back down to him and connecting their lips. Kissing had to be one of the best things in the world, in Phil's opinion. Maybe he just really liked kissing Dan, he didn't know, but he knew it turned him on.

"Nah," the brunet said, breaking the kiss shortly. "M'not." And then they were kissing again and Phil was confused, but it took him another minute to actually pull away.

"I mean, you're making out with me right now," Phil laughed, pulling away to speak before leaning in again, but Dan pulled away this time. He steadied himself by holding his hands on Phil's chest, while the the British boy craned his neck to look at Dan.

"Yeah, but I don't _like_ you, so it doesn't mean anything," he said matter-of-factly and Phil hadn't realized until now just how much his friend was struggling.

"You're joking, right?" Phil asked, a nervous chuckle escaping his lips. Dan moved off of him, and Phil sat up so they could talk. "I mean, you can't be serious. Even if you don't like me, you're still kissing a guy, and liking it."

"That doesn't mean anything," he said defiantly. Dan was becoming awfully defensive and Phil knew it would take some time for him to come to terms with his sexuality.

"Maybe you're not gay, but-"

"I'm not."

"-maybe you're bi. Maybe even something else, I don't know. But you can't spend nearly a month making out with me and say you're completely straight,"

Dan was silent. It was obvious he knew Phil was right, but he didn't want to admit it. And he probably wouldn't. Not for a long time, anyway. Phil knew it took him a long time to come to terms with the fact that he liked boys. He had his family's support, though, and that was something Dan probably never had.

"It's not a bad thing, you know," Phil started, trying to approach the boy as a friend and not a friend that grinds against him when no one is around. "It's okay to be gay or bi or anything that's not completely straight."

"You think I don't know that?" Dan snapped, and despite his harsh tone, he looked scared as he brought his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around himself.

"I don't know. Do you know that?" Phil asked softly and Dan just stared at him. "All of your friends, including me, will still love you and accept you. I don't know about your parents, but with the way they treat you anyway, I don't think it matters what they think."

"I'm not gay," Dan said again, quieter this time, like he was desperate for Phil to believe him, like he was desperate to believe it himself.

"Okay," Phil said because there was no reason to keep pressing the subject. "Maybe you're not,"

"I think you should leave," Dan said quietly, not meeting Phil's eyes.

"I didn't mean to hurt your feelings," Phil said worriedly. He understood how hard dealing with this could be, but he never meant to upset the boy. "I was only trying to help."

"Please, just go." Dan said, angrily this time, and Phil nodded. He left with his head hung low and filled with regret.

As he trudged back to his house, he thought of all things he could've said, should've said. Why was he so insistent on pushing? He just wanted Dan to know that he was here and that he was okay, but he took it too far.

But Dan was also really uncooperative. I mean, they were grinding on each other and Dan was still adament that he was 100% straight.

Phil sighed. Trying to be best friends with someone while making out with them was not as easy as he had thought. There were feelings involved, and even a lack of feelings.

He wanted to be with Dan, wanted to spend time with him and be his best friend, but he also wanted to kiss him and hold him and touch him in a way that best friends shouldn't.

Phil finally trudged to his house, but he didn't want to deal with the questions of _what's wrong?_ and _I thought you were at Dan's?_ because how was he supposed to say _we were making out but Dan isn't gay and he told me to leave._ He couldn't.

With a sigh, he entered the house and headed up to his room. Maddy must have been out with Louise and his father was at work and he wasn't sure where his mum was, but he was happy to be alone.

He grabbed a change of clothes, and took a quick shower to try and scrub the guilt off of his body. It didn't work. He didn't think it would.

As Phil made his way back downstairs in a scattered state, he wrote a note to his family that he would be in Charleston and taped it to the refrigerator. He found his old drawstring bag that he usually used when going on an overnight trip and filled it with a few water bottles, a couple of granola bars, and a blanket and then he was off.

After taking a bus to the city, which took about twenty minutes, he walked around the park until he found the fence where Dan had brought him on his second day here. He climbed it with ease and trekked through the trees, hoping he wouldn't get lost.

Phil had only ever been to the little fort once with Dan, but after stumbling around for ten minutes, he found the opening.

A smile graced his face and he felt calm. Opening the door and climbing up the stone steps, he felt relief wash over him. And when he opened up the door on the roof and hoisted himself onto the top, he put a blanket down, watched the sky, and thought long and hard.

Maybe he shouldn't have argued with Dan, but the boy shouldn't have flat out denied the possibility of being gay.

Phil would have to talk to him and fix the mess that they had created because he wasn't losing Dan. But he was going to take a nap first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean every time I write a chapter, I'm like 'yeh okay I like this story' but then I post it here and I'm like 'oh right this sucks because its a literal piece of trash'
> 
> its a vicious cycle really  
> and im ready for this story to be done with actually lol  
> but despite my urge to just be done with it, I promised myself I would finish it and there's only 16 chapters total anyway
> 
> give me some love and tell me I'm not completely wasting my time
> 
> pls


	10. ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is infuriating tbh but next chapter will be good ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY FIRST OF ALL THIS IS EXACTLY 666 WORDS SO YOU COULD CALL THIS LITERAL SIN
> 
>  
> 
> hah
> 
>  
> 
> pls kill me

Dan was with some girl at the moment. He thinks her name was Lily, but maybe it's Laura. He couldn't remember and he didn't care. 

They were making out on her bed because her parents weren't home and it's not like Dan's parents were ever home to care for his whereabouts. 

She was very noisy in bed, to the point where Dan was sure that she was faking it, but he didn't care because he was trying to enjoy himself.

All of this started after Phil left a few days ago. Dan had met up with a couple of different girls in some sick way to prove Phil wrong, that he's not gay, but there's a little voice in the back of his head whispering that he's just trying to prove something to himself because Dan doesn't exactly think he's straight, but he's scared what happens when he admits it.

Dan couldn't focus on Lily/Laura/girl number three. He kept recalling the events of a few days prior. Phil trying to help and support him, and Dan making him leave because he was scared. He shouldn't have said the things he did. He regrets it, but it's too late. He's probably already screwed up their friendship or whatever they had going on. If he were Phil, he would have run as far away as he could.

This girl was getting antsy. She had been on her knees for a few minutes too long, and it was only having the opposite effect. He decided then and there that the only way to save the both of them from embarrassment was to shut of his thoughts and focus on the memory of Phil grinding against him.

He came a few minutes later with a small moan of Phil's name. The girl swallowed and stood up. She looked aggravated, but slightly amused.

"Did you just say, 'Phil?' Who the hell is Phil?" She asked. Dan shook his head.

"I didn't say that. I said 'beautiful,' but you must have only heard the last part," he offered, and they both knew it was a lie.

"I'm not deaf, but I'll pretend I didn't hear that if you make me come," she suggested with a shrug and Dan nodded, though he felt gross and wanted to leave. She lay back against the bed, propping herself up on a pillow and Dan made quick work of fingering her to an orgasm. Then, he got dressed, said his goodbyes with the empty plan of coming back again, and left.

Later, he scrubbed himself until his skin was pink, but he still felt dirty. Is this how cheating felt? Was Dan even cheating? He had technically come to an agreement that he and Phil would mess around, but did that mean he couldn't mess around with other people? That had never even talked about.

Dan still felt like he was cheating. He felt wrong and guilty and ashamed.

The worst of all is that he knows he needs to apologize to Phil, but he doesn't want to. He doesn't want Phil to reject him and tell him the things he knows.

Dan sighs and slips his swimming trunks on, deciding that he's going to swim until his muscles ache. He walks outside and dips into the pool, then begins his laps from one side to another.

He's not sure how long this goes on, but when he gets out of the pool, the sky is dim and twinkling with barely visible stars. His body hurts and his legs feel like Jello, but he doesn't think about Phil or the other day or even the girl from this morning.

He sleeps on the couch that night, with the television showing reruns of Friends and blanket draped over his midsection.

It's not the best, but it's not his bed where he kissed Phil and he may have a sore back in the morning, but he actually sleeps without dreaming, so he considers it a win.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fall break/holidays depending where you're from is next week for me and I couldn't be more ready


	11. eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is sad then frustrating then sweet and cute and then almost smut but it's 3k and I got too lazy to write it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the stranger things of chapter ayyyye *finger guns*
> 
> or Matt Smith if you watch Doctor Who
> 
>  
> 
> or just chapter eleven

They still weren't talking, and Phil is getting kind of sick with it. Dan hadn't been showing up for their daily meetups at the beach, and anytime he's been invited to do anything, he responded with some type of excuse as to why he couldn't make it. And Phil knew why; it's because he's there and Dan didn't want to see him, with a group of people or otherwise.

Phil left it alone, accepting the fact that he messed up and Dan needed time, but when Maddy came home talking about Dan's birthday party (that he hadn't been invited to), which she'd heard about from Louise, Phil decided to draw the line there.

Yeah, he had messed up, but was Dan really going to not invite him to his birthday party? Dan was seriously going to throw away their friendship over one mistake? Phil wasn't going to allow that, not without trying his hardest to fix things.

He went into town with Maddy to go shopping for a present that evening, buying Dan a new pair of joggers (a pair that he had picked up, tried on, and then decided that he didn't need them, although he really wanted them), the box set of Free! because Dan's never watched it but he's pretty sure the boy will like it, and lastly, a super cheesy picture frame that said 'best friends' with a bunch of little stars around it. He had to get a picture printed off of his phone, a selfie they had taken on top of the lighthouse where Dan's arm was around Phil's shoulder, and the British boy had his arm snaked around his friend's waist. Their cheeks were pressed close, the black and brown of their hair mixing together, and smiles that showed nothing but pure joy on their faces.

Phil almost wanted to keep it for himself.

He waited for three days for Dan to text him, show up at his house, show up at the beach, and just invite him to his damn birthday party, but it never happened and Phil felt like shit.

The feeling didn't stop him from putting on a nice outfit, a pair of black skinny jeans and a thin red flannel, gifts wrapped and in hand, and walking out the door. He walked all the way to Dan's house with a lump in his throat.

As Phil got closer, he could hear music blaring, despite the fact that it was only six in the evening. There was a mob of cars parked in the driveway, grass, and even up the street. It looked like Dan had invited the whole state of South Carolina, but had forgotten to tell Phil, who he once claimed as his best friend and made out with when the doors were closed.

What a coincidence.

Any guilt or sadness Phil had felt before was quickly replaced with a newfound feeling of anger. He had made a mistake, but it wasn't like he had killed Dan's family or purposefully hurt him. No, his only intention was to help his friend, but his treatment in return was total radio silence and slowly being cut out of the boy's life.

Dan was his friend, but Phil was pissed.

He stormed up to the front door and knocked loud enough that someone would be able to hear him. Dan Howell himself opened the door and Phil quickly took him in after not seeing him for a week.

He was wearing the tightest pair of black skinny jeans that Phil's ever seen and an extremely fancy short sleeve button up. Half of it was white, and the other half looked like it had been dip dyed black diagonally, the dark starting at his left shoulder and flowing sideways until it stopped at his right hip. The shirt pocket on the left side was white, though, along with the buttons that ran down the middle. It kind of reminded Phil of the Yin Yang symbol, but not hardly.

"What are you doing here?" Dan asked slowly. He looked nervous now, despite that he had opened the door with a welcoming grin. The smile was long gone now and replaced with furrowed eyebrows and a jittery stance.

Surely Dan wasn't afraid of him?

"I'm here to celebrate your birthday, which is what one generally does at a birthday party," Phil said, playing dumb. He knew what Dan had meant.

"No shit, Sherlock," Dan rolled his eyes. "I mean, why are you here? I didn't invite you," he didn't sound as mean as Phil thinks he intended. He seemed apprehensive and Phil wondered briefly what's going on inside his head. But he was still mad, so he didn't focus on it.

"I wanted to come," Phil answered, clutching the sack of presents behind his back. What if Dan actually kicked him out? Phil would be totally embarrassed.

"I don't know how things are in England, but usually when someone doesn't invite someone else to an event, it usually means they don't want said someone at that event," Dan said, and it was almost like they were joking again, like when they used to playfully take turns roasting each other. Whenever Dan would really get into it, he always stayed cool and sounded professional, and he would sometimes start using an extensive vocabulary that he usually wouldn't use in everyday conversation. Phil was always impressed with how his friend never seemed to fold under pressure, while he would always stutter and fumble his words.

"Please, just cut the act, Dan. I came to fix the problem between us and be friends again," Phil said, and again, he tried to sound calm and collected, but the desperation in his voice was evident.

"We are still friends," Dan protested, as if he hadn't realized the distance growing between them, but Phil knew better than to believe that.

"We don't act like it," Phil said, and Dan was quiet for a minute because how could he possibly argue against the truth?

"You can come in," Dan finally said, and then sidestepped. Phil didn't know if this was a gesture that meant they would be friends again, or if Dan was just tired of talking. No matter, Phil pressed on.

"Can we please talk?"

"We're talking right now,"

"Jesus, Dan, you know what I mean," Phil said in frustration, rolling his eyes. He couldn't fix the problem if Dan didn't want it to be fixed.

"Let's go up to my room," he offered, and they pushed their way through the crowd of dancing bodies in Dan's living room, up the stairs, and through the quiet hallway. Dan's room was empty, along with the rest of the upstairs. Phil figured that it was off limits to the guests.

They walked into Dan's room, which seemed tidier than usual. Phil didn't know what to say first, didn't know how or where to start. It was quiet between them for a moment with only the noise from downstairs floating up to meet them.

"I'm sorry, Dan-"

"Wait, you shouldn't apologize,"

"No, let me finish. I made a mistake, and it's my responsibility to fix it, so I'm going to, okay?" Phil paused, asking, and then continued when Dan stayed silent, but nodded. "I'm sorry for pushing so hard. I intended to help, but I was only trying to shove something down your throat. You don't have to be gay, Dan. Maybe you're bisexual, pansexual, demisexual, or whatever else. There's so many things other than gay that you can be, and it's not my place, and it never will be, to tell you what you are. So, I'm sorry."

Dan didn't talk for a moment, and Phil was starting to worry that he'd said something wrong, that he'd made another mistake.

"I was never really mad about that, Phil. I was, and still am, just kind of scared about the whole thing and I'm not sure, anyway. I've always liked girls, but I really like you," Dan said and then his eyes widened. "I mean, like, I enjoy what we do. And I'm sorry for telling you to leave, I was scared at the time and then I didn't know how you felt about us still being friends, so I tried to stay out of your life. I'm just confused and I don't want to have to put a label on anything yet."

"That's understandable. You don't have to label anything right now, or ever if you don't want." Phil said, and he felt better now that things were clearing up. He understood where Dan was coming from and he realized that the only real problem was miscommunication. "I just want us to be friends again, and we don't have to do anything like /that if you don't want to."

"No, no, I mean, yes, I want to be friends, and I would still really like to do things with you. If you want to, that is," he stuttered out and Phil grinned with a nod. He felt a weight being lifted from his chest now that they had talked and made up.

"Should we like, hug now, or?" Phil asked, like how they do in the movies, kind of opening his arms.

"No, that's gay," Dan said seriously, and then snorted and they both erupted in laughter. Phil had missed this.

"Oh, come here," he said and rolled his eyes, keeping his arms out. Dan walked into them and they hugged for a minute before the American boy pulled away, leaned up, and kissed his lips. Phil kissed back and it wasn't like their usual kisses; this was sweet and gentle, whereas the others were  usually needy and hot.

"You look really nice today," Phil complimented, touching Dan's shoulder. "I like your shirt,"

"Thanks, my parents got it for me," Dan said, shrugging.

"That was nice of them," he said absently, still staring at Dan. His hair was wavy, which the boy normally hated because he either wanted it to be straight it wavy, not weirdly in the middle. It looked very nice.

"Eh, I guess. It's kind of expensive and they only bought it to make up for the fact that they're missing the party, and my actual birthday," Dan explained, and he seemed kind of upset, but also like he was used to it.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Why did they miss?" Phil asked, leading Dan to bed and sitting them down as he played with the boy's hair to comfort him.

"My father said that he had business in Spain, but that's just an excuse. My mother wanted to go on vacation, so she bought me a fancy shirt, that she sent in the mail because seeing her son would interfere with her plans. She sent money for the party and they both promised to buy me a car, but I don't want one, not from them." Dan said, and he sounded angry almost. Phil felt sorry that his best friend didn't have a good family.

"I'm sorry to say this, Dan, but your parents are awful. They don't treat you right. They should want to spend time with you, especially on your birthday. You only turn seventeen once." Phil said, becoming angry himself that Dan's parents were rubbish.

"The fact that they don't spend time with me doesn't really bother me, you know? They make me feel bad when they're here anyway, it's just, I wish things were different. I wish _they_ were different, but they're not, and I can't change that." Dan explained. Phil understood that, too. He was still upset for his friend, but he was glad Dan didn't let them ruin his happiness.

"Forget them, Dan. You've got a house full of friends downstairs that are here to celebrate you because they care for you. Let's have fun, yeah?" Phil suggested, and just like that, Dan had perked up and smiled at him. Phil set the bag of presents down on the bed and followed the boy out of the room and down the stairs.

Phil danced with his friends until late that night, having the time of his life and feeling happy. Madeline had showed up a little after Phil and could be found dancing with some girl she found at the party. Lousie was going crazy with her boyfriend, and Chris and PJ looked like they were dying rather than dancing, but they were laughing and having a good time. Phil danced with Dan like nothing had happened, and everyone was happy to see them together again.

Phil really liked that there wasn't any alcohol at the party. Everyone was just having fun on their own and feeling good.

\--

The party ended in the early hours of the morning and everyone drove home. Louise, Chris, PJ, and Maddy stayed to give early birthday presents after helping clean up the house. Lousie had made a super sweet homemade card and a few little Do-It-Yourself crafts that made Dan so happy.

Phil wouldn't think that he was so into homemade things, but he cherished them.

Next, Chris and PJ handed him a DVD with 'Happy Birthday, Dan!' scrawled across it in blue sharpie.

Dan grinned like he knew what is was and asked, "Is this your guys' sex tape that I asked for?"

Everyone erupted in laughter before Chris said, "No, we planned on including you a bit more, Dan. You are the birthday boy, after all. We'll meet you up in your room later for a threesome."

PJ chuckled and shook his head, "No, it's none of that, but I think you'll like it,"

So Dan put the CD in his laptop and everyone gathered around on the sofa to watch a short film about Chris and PJ who were space aliens coming down to Earth to wish their human friend a happy birthday. It was both funny and sweet, and at the end of the film, the credits rolled over the screen and Dan read aloud a sweet message. In the background of the credits, there were snippets of videos of all of them at the beach having a good time together.

Dan got a little teary-eyed, but claimed it to be allergies. Everybody knew the truth and wrapped him in a huge group hug.

"My present next!" Madeline shouted, and handed him a gift bag. Inside, Dan pulled out a basic white T-shirt. Maddy urged him to unfold it, and when he did, there was a group picture of all of the them at the boardwalk, jumping into the air. Phil remembered that day; they had to get an elderly woman to take the picture for them. Underneath the picture in black comic sans font was written '#SquadGoals.'

Dan actually cheered, pulled his shirt off, and replaced it with the new one. It was a cheesy gift, and kind of silly, but the American boy genuinely loved it.

"We actually are squad goals, you know," Louise said.

"I know, that's why I made a shirt," Maddy joked.

"Thank you guys so much. I appreciate everything. You're honestly the best," Dan said, and everyone 'awwed' and hugged.

After everyone had another round of birthday cake, Chris and PJ left, followed by Louise and Maddy, who decided to go to the Lester household and spend the night.

Dan suggested that Phil stay the night at his place, and the boy was more than happy to comply.

Tired from the rollercoaster of a day, the two boys trudged up the stairs into Dan's room for a second time.

"I wanted to give you your presents alone," Phil said all of a sudden. Dan turned around and grinned.

"Oh, did you?" He said suggestively, winking. Phil laughed and shook his head, sitting down on the bed and patting the place next to him. Dan sat down where his hand had been.

"Okay, this one first," Phil said and handed him the joggers. Dan tore the wrap and then opened the gift box, grinning when he saw the contents.

"I told you I liked these," Dan said like he was remembering the day in the shopping mall. "Thank you so much,"

"That's not all," Phil said, pulling out another gift.

"Oh la la," he said, wiggling his eyebrows. He tore into the wrapping paper, finding a box set of anime in his hands. "This looks really good,"

"It is, you'll like it. I got it because it's about a swimming team and well, you're on the swim team at your school, so," Phil said shyly, fiddling with the last gift in his hands. Would Dan even like it?

"Very thoughtful," Dan said, setting the gift beside his joggers. He nodded toward Phil's hands. "What's that?"

"Um, your last present. I hope you like it," Phil said, handing him the last package. Dan opened the paper carefully, staring at the picture frame in his hands.

"Phil," Dan said calmly, eyes still trained on the picture in his hands.

"Oh, do you not like it? You don't have to keep it or anything, I just thought-"

"Phil," Dan said again, stopping him.

"Yeah?"

"I love it so much. It's literally so perfect," Dan said, leaping on Phil and giving him a huge hug. Phil chuckled with relief and wrapped his arms around the boy. His heart was jumping in his chest and he wasn't sure why, but he liked it.

"I'm glad you like it, Dan," Phil said genuinely. Dan thanked him again and stood up to place the picture on his bedside table beside his lamp.

"So I see it every morning," Dan explained and Phil kind of wanted to cry because he had really missed his friend.

They stripped down to their briefs and Dan supplied Phil a pair of basketball shorts while the American just stayed in his underwear.

"I feel like we are past the point in our friendship where I have to remain clothed around you," Dan said with a shrug and crawled into the bed beside Phil.

"Hell, get naked if you want. I can assure you that I won't mind," Phil joked, but it was true nonetheless.

"You'd like that, wouldn't you, Philly?" Dan smirked, wiggling his eyebrows crazily and shaking his butt against Phil's groin.

The brown-haired boy leaned in for a goodnight kiss, and Phil smirked, "I think you would like that too, wouldn't you, Danny?"

Dan deadpanned for a moment, long enough to make Phil think he'd crossed a line, but then, still completely serious, he said, "I honestly would."

And everything stopped for a minute, or maybe five. They stared at each other and Phil couldn't decide whether he was joking or not, so he mentally shrugged and reached under the blankets to pull off his shorts.

"Are we really?" Dan asked seriously and the raven-haired boy nodded.

"If you want, yeah,"

"How far?"

"As far as you'd like," And Phil meant it.

"Not all the way, but a little," Dan offered.

"Okay," Phil said and that settled it. He shoved of his underwear, and pulled them out from under the quilt. Dan followed suit and nothing was really different because they were both very much covered, but it _felt_ like a big step.

They started out slow, just kissing like usual, letting things grow heated with time, and that they did. They made out until they were hard, and despite Phil telling Dan he didn't have to, Dan went outside his comfort zone and gave Phil a handjob. He ended up enjoying so much that he almost came himself because apparently he was one of those people that got off by getting others off.

Phil thought it was hot, maybe as hot as when he crawled down the bed and sucked his friend off until he came with a moan. That was hot too, even when Phil swallowed.

He'd never given a blowjob before, but Dan said that it was absolutely great, so he didn't feel too embarrassed.

They finally went to sleep, though it was nearing five o'clock in the morning. The last thing Phil saw before closing his eyes was the picture frame on Dan's table, lit up by the moon and he smiled.

They slept until late the next day tangled together, naked, and happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> boom only 5 more chapters I'm excited
> 
> this one was fun to write, and hopefully fun to read
> 
> pls comment pls
> 
> im desperate for attention
> 
> im also emo (2005 panic buddy)


	12. twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this a while ago and I just now realized how sexual this is goodness  
> BUT that's not all, the end is fluff okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @the person who was asking about the #skinny dipping, here you go fam

Dan was really enjoying life for the first time in a while. He was pretty sure it had something to do with Phil; maybe the fact that they had made up, maybe the frequent rendezvous had lifted his spirits, maybe he felt something for Phil.

The squad decided to take a day off from their beach affairs because despite the party having been days ago, everyone was still resting up from it.

Dan was downstairs in the living room, sitting on the couch, and watching sports on the television. He hadn't been able to see Phil yesterday because the boy was busy with family, and it was taking it's toll on Dan.

How could he get so worked up when he had just fooled around with Phil the day before yesterday?

He wasn't sure but if the itch in his lower abdomen was anything to go by, then he definitely needed release.

After a second or two of debating, he decided that he really didn't have anything better to do today, so he pulled down his shorts and underwear, spit in his hand, and then slowly started to pump himself up and down.

It didn't take very long to get really into it because he was imagining that Phil was there with him, on his knees, and sucking him off again. Dan remembered how hot it was with Phil looking back up at him, nervous because he'd never given a blowjob before, but still managing to do so well.

He was almost there, almost to the point of no return, just one swipe of his thumb and he would be in pure bliss, but then his phone started to ring and scared him to a halt.

He would've selected end call, but he couldn't really control his fingers in his flash of panic. He heard a familiar voice say, "Hello!"

"Shit, Phil," Dan panted, one hand holding the phone and the other holding his dick.

"Dan, are you okay? Did I scare you?" He heard through the phone. He was moving his hand again, working himself back up and it felt so dirty to have Phil on the phone while he did it.

"I'm more than okay," he answered, a small gasp at the end when he rubbed his thumb over the tip.

"Dan?" Phil asked, confusion evident even without seeing him. Dan moaned in response. "Dan, are you," there was rustling on the other line before Phil started talking again, though more in a whisper. "touching yourself right now?"

"God, yes," Dan said, and he was grinning. This was so unbelievably hot.

"I was going to ask to come over," Phil said casually. "But, I'm no longer asking. I'll see you in five minutes."

"Please," Dan whimpered, desperate by now, but no longer allowing himself to continue. He'd wait for Phil, even if he had to sit on his hands.

Phil made it over in record time, quicker than he ever had before. After seeing Dan's state, hard and panting, he made quick work of sucking him off. Dan had never enjoyed a blowjob as much as he enjoyed Phil's.

"What do you wanna do now?" Dan asked a little while later. After orgasaming so hard, he had needed a few minutes to pull himself back together, so they ended up watched some television, but now it was getting boring.

"Kind of want to swim," Phil shrugged, "But at the same time, I don't want to go to the beach and get all sandy,"

"Let's go swimming in my pool," Dan suggested. "We've never actually done that before."

"That sounds like a lot of fun. I'll need to borrow a swim suit, though," Phil said, standing up from the sofa. Dan joined him with a mischievous look on his face.

"What? What are you thinking?" Phil asked cautiously, while the American just continued to grin.

"Let's go skinny dipping," he said seriously. He wouldn't admit it, but he'd always wanted to go skinny dipping with someone, and when he and Phil started messing around, that desire was only more present in his mind.

"Yeah, okay," Phil said nonchalantly. A weird flutter filled Dan's chest, though he wasn't sure why. He'd seen Phil naked and vice versa, so he wasn't nervous. Maybe just excited.

Dan got a few towels while Phil went outside and began stripping. Luckily, Dan's backyard was lined with bushes, so no one on the beach could see them. Dan joined the boy in the pool after setting the towels down.

They swam around for a while, just making laps or floating about. It was a rather peaceful evening until Dan decided to start a war. He walked up to the blue-eyed boy and began splashing without mercy, taking no time to check if Phil was okay or had gotten water in his eyes.

"You're dead, Howell!" Phil yelled, leaping out of the water and pushing Dan under. He screamed and thrashed around, but was submerged anyway.

"That was a bit uncalled for," Dan shrieked, coming up for air.

"Oh, yeah? Then get me back," the boy taunted, circling around the American who was still gathering air.

Dan just shook his head and walked closer, pulling Phil in gingerly for a kiss. It was sweet and kind of tasted like chlorine, but Dan enjoyed it. Only for a minute, that is, because while Phil was off guard and wrapped up in  the moment, Dan shoved him back as hard as could, laughing when his friend slipped and fell under the water.

He came back up with his black hair matted to his face and covering his eyes. He wore a pout worth a million dollars, and Dan couldn't help but notice just how cute his friend was.

Over the past month or so, Dan had begun to see the boy in a new light. He wasn't just the awkward and funny and unusually happy boy Dan had met at the pier, but he was so much more. He _meant_ so much more. He was handsome and kind and loving. Phil had put more effort into their relationship - albiet, a very short one - than Dan's own family ever had.

Dan cared for this boy. More so than he ever thought he would. He genuinely cared about how he felt and what he was doing and what he was thinking.

And it was then that Dan really started to realize something: he couldn't keep calling Phil a friend when he was in fact so much more. He couldn't keep saying that their midnight kisses meant nothing more than a little fun, or that Dan was just cold when he would snuggle closer to Phil in bed.

He couldn't say that all those things and many more meant so little when he felt so much because of them.

"Dan? Dan? What are you thinking? You've zoned out on me," Phil said, snapping his finger in front of his face. Dan shuddered and came back to Earth.

"We're best friends, right?" he asked slowly, testing the metaphorical water.

"Yeah, I would believe so," Phil laughed, nodding.

"And best friends tell each other everything, right? Without judgment. Even if it's maybe weird or wrong or the other friend doesn't share the same opinion?" he asked carefully, worried that he was about to overstep a boundary, but too worked up about this to care.

"You can tell me anything, Dan. And no matter what it is, I'll still be right here, being your best friend," Phil said, interlocking a reassuring hand with Dan's. He gave an uplifting smile and Dan decided just to go for it. He didn't want to regret wasting this chance.

"I think that I like you, Phil. More than just friends, even more than best friends." Dan said softly, cautiously, but his nerves got the best of him and he began to ramble. "It's okay if you don't feel the same way, I won't make things awkward. I don't want to ruin anything, we can just forget-"

"I think I like you, too, Dan. I think I really do," Phil said, a grin pulling at his mouth. And just like every love story or romantic movie, they kissed. Long and sweet and filled with passion. Fireworks weren't exploding under Dan's skin like the novels say, but a warm, tingly feeling spread over his body. Dan liked to call it happiness.

"What does this mean, then?" Dan asked, pulling away. He hadn't thought of anything farther than _I like Phil_ , so he wasn't too sure about anything yet.

"Well, it means that you could be my boyfriend, or if that's not what you want, then it doesn't have to mean anything," Phil said.

Dan loved that about him. He was understanding, or at least he tried to be. He knew that Dan struggled with this, and he didn't try and force a relationship on him.

"I want it to mean something, though,"

"Then it can mean whatever you want it to mean,"

"I think I would like to be boyfriends," Dan said slowly, trying to make sure that this was what he truly wanted.

"Then, Dan Howell, will you be my boyfriend?" Phil asked sweetly, clasping Dan's hand between his two and staring at him with so much emotion.

"I would very much like that," Dan confirmed, and when Phil pulled his hand up and kissed his knuckles, he almost lost it because he was so lucky to have this person in his life.

"You know, I never thought I would get a boyfriend while being naked in a swimming pool," Dan said thoughtfully, and the two erupted into laughter.

Then they kissed again, naked in a swimming pool.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS IT'S SPOOKY WEEK   
> IM WEAK  
> also HALLOWEEN IS SO SOON AND IM DIGGING IT OKAY
> 
> I'm going to he Velma from Scooby Doo and some of my friends are being the other characters and we are passing out candy to trick-or-treaters for our BETA club   
> im so excited
> 
>  
> 
> OHH TELL ME YOUR PLANS FOR HALLOWEEN/YOUR COSTUME IF YOU DRESS UP


	13. thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cute with a pinch of angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ive been really feeling this story lately  
> too bad it only took 12 chapters 
> 
> nah but ive already got a couple prewritten

Phil fixed his hair in the mirror while Madeline watched him, asking questions of all sorts. _Why are trying so hard? You're just visiting Dan. Oh my gosh, are you guys dating? I thought he was straight. Phil! Are you even listening?_

Phil was definitely listening. It was hard to ignore her when she was being so loud.

He was taking Dan out to dinner and a movie later, keeping it simple and fun. They weren't a classy couple by any stretch of imagination, but Phil liked how easy they were with one another. Nothing was stressful, nothing was complicated. They liked each other and that was that.

Nobody knew, either. Dan didn't want to come out yet and they were both fine with that, although Phil hated to keep secrets from his friends and family.

He wasn't going to press the issue, though, because Dan accepting his own feelings was enough.

"Hello," Madeline dragged out. "Phil, are you listening to me?"

"I'm trying really hard not to, but unfortunately, yes." he teased, throwing her a mischievous grin. She rolled her eyes and scoffed.

"I can't believe you. Why are you keeping so many secrets lately?"

"I'm not," Phil denied, throwing his hands up.

"You are," she argued. "and you've been spending a lot of alone time with Dan."

"We just get along well, is all. Plus, he gets a bit lonely with the house all to himself." Phil said, and he wasn't actually lying. Dan was very lonely at times. And they did get along well. _Very_ well.

"Whatever," Maddy sighed. "have fun on your date with boyfriend," she got up from her bed and started to walk away.

"I'm not going on a date," lie. "And I don't have a boyfriend," another lie.

"Yeah, sure. Whenever you want to stop lying to me, I'll be in the living room."

Phil sighed as she walked down the stairs. She could be so dramatic, but she wasn't wrong. He shook his head and followed her anyway, but instead of saying anything, he went out the front door and walked the pavement to Dan's house.

Reaching the door, he knocked thrice and rocked nervously on the balls of his feet. He didn't have anything fancy planned, but he hoped that was okay with his boyfriend. It was still really weird to call the American boy his boyfriend, but Phil found it quite nice.

"Oh, you're early," Dan said, opening the door without his jeans on. Phil chuckled at the sight and nodded.

"Sorry to catch you at a bad time," he said, though he wasn't sorry. His blue gaze looked the other boy up and down, taking in his full appearance. Wavy hair pushed back in a quiff, black shirt with a white fiery ring around it, blue underwear.

"I'll have you know that I've had some very _good_ times with my pants off," Dan joked, winking at the British boy. He sidestepped and said, "come in,"

Phil complied and walked into the house, a smirk on his face, "I've participated in those good times with you, you know,"

"I couldn't forget," Dan grinned, shutting the door behind him and pressing into Phil for welcoming kiss. Phil kissed deeper, and softly backed him into the wall.

A few minutes passed before Dan pulled away, a glimmer in his eyes.

"We'll be late if you keep this up," he laughed. "Let me get some pants on, then we'll go."

Dan hurried and pulled on pair of black skinny jeans, then they were off to Charleston.

"Where are we going, exactly?" Dan asked as they sat next to each other on the bus. Phil smiled when Dan reached for his hand, which was especially odd as they were in front of people. He didn't draw any attention to his surprise, and rubbed his thumb over the boy's knuckles.

"Just to see a film, if that's alright?" Phil asked, looking over at him. Dan smiled and shrugged.

"Whatever we do is fine, honestly," he said, scuffing his Nike shoes against the bus floor. "What movie are we seeing?"

"Um, whatever is playing next when we get there," Phil laughed. "It's kind of fun, not knowing,"

"I swear to God if we end up watching some stupid kiddie movie, I'll murder you,"

Phil was pretty much fearing for his life because the only thing playing at the cinema when they areived was a children's cartoon. They had watched it anyway, and Phil thought the film about the little trolls was cute and kind of funny, but he was a bit concerned that Dan hadn't thought so. He didn't say a word the whole movie, just ate his popcorn and gummy bears that Phil had bought for them and sipped on their shared Coke.

Walking out of the cinema was no different, no words were spoken between them and Phil was sure by now that he had ruined any chance he had with Dan. Surely the boy was going to call things off after Phil dragged him to a cartoon for over an hour.

"Well, that was probably the best movie I've seen in a while," Dan said, straightening his shirt and dusting away popcorn crumbs.

"Um, was that sarcasm?" Phil asked, scrunching up his face.

"No, I genuinely really liked the movie. It was cute. And fun." Dan smiled, grabbing Phil's hand as they walked down the street to a nearby arcade. "Like you,"

Phil had a smile on his face a mile long as he swung their arms together.

"Good, I'm glad you enjoyed yourself," he stated, taking in the evening air. Warm with a gentle breeze that smelled like summer.

"Up next, the arcade, right?" Dan asked, moving their hands upward so Dan could spin like a ballerina under Phil's arm.

"Actually, how do you feel about a quick change of plans?" Phil asked, his eyes lit up with wonder and the glow of street lamps.

Dan whined and pouted his lips, "But, I was gonna pretend like I needed help with Skee Ball so you would hold me close and teach me,"

Phil laughed and shook his head. Dan was really something. He'd never met someone as cheeky as him.

"I can still hold you close," he said, pulling the boy closer by his waist, Dan's back pressed against Phil's front. "And I can still hold your hand like this," he flirted, grabbing the back of Dan's hand with his palm and clasping their fingers. His other hand was on the American's hip.

"Damn, you're smooth, Lester," Dan said, his breathing becoming heavier. He rested his head back against Phil's shoulder. "I'll go anywhere you want to take me,"

"God, there's so many places, Dan," Phil said, because it was true. He wanted to take Dan back home to England and to France and Japan and anywhere else so Dan could explore with him. "But, at the moment, there's one in particular."

"Take me, then,"

So Phil took him to the park and through the woods until they got to the little tower where they first became friends. To the place that reminded him most of Dan.

The boy grinned when they came upon the tower. "I figured you had forgotten it,"

"I could never," he said, and they climbed up the stairs and pulled themselves through the trapdoor. Nighttime was settling in now, painting the sky a dark blue with little light flares peeking through. The world around them was covered in a thin veil of black.

"You know, I come here sometimes to think. It's been my favorite place since you showed me," Phil said, sitting down on the cool stone floor. He lay back despite the dust and loose pebbles. Dan joined him, resting his head against Phil's shoulder.

"I'm glad I showed you, then."

Phil didn't say anything, just rubbed his hand against Dan's bare arms as they watched the stars come out from hididng.

Phil couldn't help but think about how happy he was with Dan, happier than any other time in his life. Here in America, he had friends that loved him, a boyfriend/best friend that cared about him, and a family who was always there for him. He had warm weather and sunshine and the ocean.

And at that moment, he realized just how attached he'd gotten this time. He had always loved coming to South Carolina, but more so than any other time, he had set up a life here, a home. And he didn't want to leave with the summer. He didn't want to go back to old, gray England when he had the brightest light right beside him, wrapped up in his arms.

There was nothing in Manchester for him. No friends. No boyfriend. No home. Yeah, sure, a house, but not a _home_. This was home right here. Laying on this old tower under the sky with Dan beside him.

How could he possibly go back to living how he used? When he finally got a taste of happiness. He couldn't go back to being so lonely, even if his family was there. Well, his parents, anyway. Maddy would he leaving for University.

Going back would tear him apart from the inside. But he knew he would have to face it eventually.

"What are you thinking about?" Dan asked, nudging Phil with his head. Phil's smile was bittersweet when he looked Dan, sweet with love, bitter with what the future held for them.

"Nothing," Phil said. He would push it away until he had to deal with it. Why ruin the time he had left? "Just you,"

"Me, huh?" Dan smiled, one eyebrow raising.

"Yeah, you," Phil said, kissing the top of his head. "Just that I'm so lucky to have met you and I wouldn't change a thing."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter is kind of an angsty storm so yeah
> 
> leave comments! :)


	14. fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> don't let the beginning fool you this is v angst much sad but hold out because it'll get better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't plan this but it's the 14th chapter and also the 14th day of November

It was a beautiful day outside. Sunny and warm and the ocean was lapping calmly at the shores.

Dan was happy and content, just sitting outside with his friends. They had all been surfing and swimming, but as the morning shifted into noon, they grew hungry and tired.

Dan was laying sideways in the sand, head on Phil's stomach, and the boy playing with his damp hair. He inhaled and exhaled deeply. This was the perfect time to tell everyone.

He looks at Phil, who looked back, and mouth _can I?_ to which Phil said _whenever you want._ Dan knew that he wanted to tell.

"Hey, guys?" He sat up, joined by Phil, along with everyone else.

"Yeah?" Chris and Louise asked in unison. Dan hesitated for a minute before deciding that he didn't want to beat around the bush.

"Phil and I are together, so yeah, that's all." he said with a shrug, feeling so light and happy after getting it off his chest. He leaned back against Phil again, who wrapped an arm around his waist and rested his chin on the boy's head.

"What?" PJ asked, shocked. "For how long?"

"A couple of weeks, I guess. Unless you count messing around, then probably a month and a half." Phil said.

"I knew it," Maddy said, pointing a finger at her brother. "I knew it, and you lied to me." Dan looked between the two of them, reading for all Hell to break loose.

"I'm sorry, really. I wanted to tell you, but Dan wanted to keep it between us for a bit, and I wasn't going against that," Phil explained, kissing Dan's hair. Dan actually blushed, which made him feel like a little school girl. They'd all but had sex before and one chaste little peck had him tore up.

"I would fuss, but you guys are just too cute," she complained, though she was not-so-secretly gushing at them.

"Louise, you haven't said anything?" Dan asked, worried now. If Louise didn't accept him, he would probably die. She meant too much to him, like an older sister that always had his back.

She looked up, tears welling up in her eyes and said, "You just look so happy, Dan. I'm just so proud of you."

Dan reached over and pulled her into a big hug, telling her how much he loved her. She nodded and repeated his words.

"Gosh, we're all so gay. I'm waiting for Chris and PJ to come out now," Maddy joked, and everyone laughed.

Chris grinned and followed along, "Well, about that..."

"He's joking! He's joking!" PJ said defensively, causing another round of laughter. Phil winked at him and wiggled his eyebrows.

\--

Later that evening, Dan and Phil were waiting at the kitchen table for their food to finish cooking. Phil was impressing Dan with his amazing chef skills by cooking lasagna.

It seemed like summer was full of moments that were pure and sweet. Happy and fun and nothing but smiles. Nothing but Phil and laughter and kisses under sheets.

Dan's favorite memories are of Phil.

Like the time they lay underneath the stars on a blanket on the beach right outside Dan's house. They had their feet in the edge of water, letting the ocean rush up to their ankles and then drift back out. Then a particularly high wave came in and completely soaked them from the torso down. They had both laughed and laughed and shivered with the cold until they warmed themselves in new clothes under a blanket on the sofa.

Dan loved that memory almost as much the time they were at the Howell's annual 4th of July party. Phil had never really celebrated American Independence Day, and he'd had an absolute blast watching fireworks and swimming in Dan's pool and eating barbeque food.

Dan's parents were there, and a few of their fancy work friends, but everyone was laid back and no one expected Dan or his friends to be professional business kids. It was fun, but even more so since he got to share it someone who meant so much.

"I'm proud of you for today, Dan. That was really brave," Phil praised, snapping the boy from his blissful thoughts. Dan smiled nervously under the compliment and nodded. Phil's face turned worried. "You're not regretting it, are you? You're spaced out,"

"No, no! I don't regret anything. I was just thinking about us," Dan said, reaching a hand across the table for Phil.

"Nothing bad, I hope?"

"Only good things, I promise,"

"Good," Phil said and brought Dan's fingers to his mouth to kiss. Dan loved how affectionate Phil was. It made him feel wanted and loved, something he wasn't completely used to.

Phil sighed sadly and dropped his head after letting go of Dan's hand.

"What's wrong? Did I say something?" Dan asked, face scrunched with confusion.

"Nothing," he sighed again. "It's nothing. I don't know."

"Come on, Phil. You can talk to me if something is bothering you," Dan coaxed.

"It's just. I've got a month left. And then I have to leave, Dan. I don't want to leave you. I've never been so happy." Phil explained, voice filled with dread. Dan's face fell at his words. It was like remembering all over again that Phil's life here was temporary.

He was suddenly filled with such anger that the one person who truly gave a damn about him would be gone.

Just like his parents after he got old enough to go to school. They stopped caring and left him with a babysitter except for when they needed him to look like a perfect family.

Phil was his postcard boyfriend, happy and perfect in every way, only to be sent away to some place far from him.

Dan already felt the sadness seeping into his bones, the lonely nights when he couldn't sleep, the empty space next to him on the sofa, the vacant chair at the breakfast bar with a single bowl of cereal on the table.

He couldn't catch his breath. He was sure all of the oxygen had been sucked from the room, leaving him with burning lungs and watery eyes.

"Oh God," he said quietly, hand on the table, grounding himself so he could focus on breathing. Inhale, exhale. Deep and slow. Breathe.

"Dan? Dan, are you okay?" Phil asked gingerly, standing up from his chair and walking around the table. He touched Dan's shoulders gently. "What's wrong? Breathe, Dan."

Dan let Phil pull him up and embrace him in his arms. He allowed himself the warm, loving touch, knowing that one day - not too far off - he wouldn't feel it again. His head swirled with hurt and words telling him to detach himself from his feelings, from Phil so there would be less pain in the end.

He couldn't bring himself to do that, though, so he clung to Phil as if his life depended on it and breathed. He breathed long and hard and shaky until he regained his normal pattern.

"We don't have to think about it yet, Dan. We can just ignore it for a while. It doesn't have to matter right now," Phil tried to comfort, but it was the last thing Dan wanted to hear.

"But, it does matter!" He yelled, backing away now, blood boiling. "It matters because I let myself care about you! You _made_ me care about you. You made me open up and now you're leaving,"

Dan wasn't crying despite how much he wanted to. He wouldn't let himself be that vulnerable, instead he would stop himself from likeing Phil until it didn't hurt anymore. It was subconscious.

"Dan, I didn't mean for this to happen. I didn't plan to get in a relationship and then dump you. I don't even _want_ to dump you," Phil said calmly. "Dan, please, don't push me away,"

The oven dinged at the best and worst possible time. They ate in silence and Dan was thankful for the food busying his mouth despite that he had lost his appetite. He didn't want to talk or work out his problems. He wanted to run. Literally. He wanted to run until he couldn't find his way back home and then run some more.

"The food was really good." He finally said after he picked up their dishes and places them in the dishwasher. He saved the leftovers in a Tupperware container and placed it in the refrigerator.

"I'm glad you liked it," Phil said softly, standing from the table and fixing his shirt. "I can stay the night if you want?"

Dan halted, standing full stop at the counter. Sometimes he wished his problems would drain away like the water in his kitchen sink. Life didn't work like that, though. They clogged the drain until the water and stress was overflowing onto the floor.

"I don't know, Phil," he said slowly, hesitating. Was he really going to kick the British boy out of his house again? His mouth answered before he could think. "I really just need time to think,"

Phil left with a hug goodbye and a fake smile on his face. Dan could tell. He had shown so many fake smiles, he could spot them easily.

Dan felt awful after the door closed. He felt sad and lonely again, just like before. He didn't want to go back to the way he felt before Phil walked into his life, but he didn't want to be left behind when the boy walked out of his life, either.

How could one of the best days of his life turn into one of the worst?

With the evening sun sinking lower and lower, Dan grabbed a drawstring bag with water bottles, clothes, blankets, and pop tarts and then he ran.

He spent half of the night running to Charleston, and when he was finally too tired to run anymore, he took a night bus the rest of the way. He stumbled on jello legs to the park, over a fence, and to the tower.

With a blanket laying stretched across the stone roof, the water and pop tarts to the side, Dan lay back, using the bag of clothes as a pillow. He covered himself with the spare blanket and looked up at the stars - the same ones that he and Phil had stared at on their first date. He thought and cried - the really loud, heavy cry when you can't control it - and wished.

He wished for so many things. He wished he could sink into the stone beneath him so he couldn't feel anything. He wished he would burst into flames like the stars above him because maybe then he could get everything out.

More than anything, he wished Phil had never stepped into his life and messed everything up so terrifically. He wished Phil wouldn't have showed him how happy he could be because now he had to go back to the lonely rut he had grown so used to but now hated.

God, he didn't really wish that. He just wished Phil could stay. Forever. He wished that they could eat breakfast every morning at the kitchen table and do the domestic shit he always saw in movies like baking and cleaning and leaving love notes on the pillow when one of them had to leave in the morning.

Dan fell asleep facing the stars, wishing for too many things, but also wishing that Phil would find him somehow and make everything come true, make everything better like he did once before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm in the process of writing chapter 15 and it's sad but it's about to get really good so I'm excited 
> 
> I've had a few of you guessing about what's gonna happen in the end. Will Dan go with Phil? Will Phil stay with Dan? Who knows (besides me)?
> 
> I appreciate comments more than anything, so please!


	15. fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter contains smut so yeah, you have been warned, or pleasantly surprised

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize that it's been a while, but I suck at writing smut and I debated on whether to actually write it or just infer that it happens, but I decided to write and it's not that good and I feel grossish so yeah enjoy

Phil could understand that Dan was upset. He was upset too. He didn't want to leave or call things off. He wanted to stay and spend his days with his boyfriend. He knew that Dan wanted that too.

But, it had been three days since Phil had seen the American. His texts and phone calls were ignored. He had even considered writing a letter and mailing it to the boy, but he knew he wouldn't receive one in return.

Dan hadn't been showing up to his house or to the beach or anywhere that the group of friends usually met at.

If the brown-haired boy wanted to break up, Phil just wished Dan would tell him so. It would be heartbreaking, but at least the British boy wouldn't be guessing all the time.

By the time Saturday evening rolled around and Dan hadn't been at the beach surfing with him or their friends, Phil decided that he'd had enough of Dan's pouting and silent treatment. They needed to talk if they wanted fix things.

Maybe Dan didn't want to. He seemed to rather run.

\--

Phil made his way to Dan's house like he had done so many times before. The weather seemed to cast how he felt, confused and cloudy with a slight chance of rain.

He wished things were easy like they were last week. Carefree. Simple.

Dan's house was coming into view and his chest was rising and falling with a quicker pace. This visit would determine many things: his relationship status, his friendship with Dan, his happiness.

Phil knocked on the door and waited patiently for an answer. He could hear music from where he stood, but it was too muffled for him to recognize what exactly was playing. He knocked again and realized that Dan probably couldn't hear him over the music, anyway.

He fiddled with the door knob, and smiled when it opened without much effort. Walking into the house, the music sounded much louder.

Kanye West was blaring in his ears and despite hating the music, he smiled because it reminded him of Dan. He wouldn't even be able to recognize the artist if it wasn't for the American boy. That put a smile on his face.

"Dan?" He called, not wanting to intrude anymore than he already had. No answer. "Dan?" He tried again, louder, longer. Nothing. He started through the house, calling a few more times with the same result. Finally, he began climbing the steps to the top floor.

The music got louder as he neared Dan's room. The door was wide open, but the room seemed vacant. Had he just kind of broken into Dan's house for nothing? He stepped in, planning to shut the disrespectful music off if nothing else.

Rounding the bed, he jumped back a little when he saw someone sitting against the wall. Well, it wasn't just someone. It was Dan, and sitting was an exaggeration. He was curled up, knees in his chest, forehead on his knees, arms wrapped around his legs.

He looked to be nodding along to the music, but upon further inspection, Phil noticed his whole body shaking. He was crying. Phil became worried.

"Dan? Dan, are you okay?" Phil rushed, crouching down to meet the boy. He rested a hand on Dan's shoulder and the boy jumped, head flying back to collide with the wall. He groaned miserably and looked to Phil.

"Dan, are you okay? You've been ignoring my calls and I was worried. Rightfully so, it seems." He said, pulling Dan to his feet with only small difficulties. He reached over and turned the bloody Beat Pill off. Honestly, why did Dan even have one? "What's wrong?"

Dan sniffed loudly and wiped his face with his shirt, pulling the hem up to meet him, exposing his torso briefly. Normally, Phil would have smiled. He didn't even notice. Dan pushed the heels of hands into his eyes, trying to stop the tears. His brown eyes were bloodshot and the skin around was sunken in but puffy and red.

Phil was seriously worried.

"I just, God, I just, it's so, unfair, you know, and," Dan stopped momentarily, wiping his nose with the collar of his shirt. Phil was pretty sure it was the same one from three days ago. His hair looked unbrushed and matted, as well. "and, and, God, I hate crying, please, just,"

"I'm not going anywhere, Dan. Please, what's wrong? What's unfair?"

"This! You! Me!" Dan said, exasperated, flailing in hands around, motioning to the space between them. "Us, Phil. It's unfair because I feel this, this... This _thing_ , I don't know. And like, you have to leave, but, _God_ , you can't or I think I might die. And, and, it's stupid, all of it, really because it's been a few months and but it's just so _strong_ , whatever I'm feeling and it's unfair." He was working himself up again, tears flowing down his blotchy cheeks as his hands flopped around with no good use and Phil smiled sympathetically. He pulled the hurt boy in his arms and held him. Long and gentle, arms wrapped around and chin on his head.

"It's so stupid," Dan cried.

"I know,"

"I hate it,"

"I know,"

Phil took Dan to the bathroom and ran a warm bubble bath, turning while the boy stripped and got in.

"You shouldn't have came. I hate you for that." Dan declared sadly. Phil shook his head. He started washing the boy's hair and body, save for a few private areas.

"You don't,"

"I know,"

There was silence while Phil dried Dan with a towel and dressed him in some comfortable clothes and put him into bed. He turned a movie on the television, something light and happy. There was no telling the last time the American had slept properly. Phil unturned the quilt from around Dan and joined the boy.

"What is that feeling?" Dan said after a while. "Why do I feel like my heart is going to explode and implode all at once? And it _hurts_ , you know, but I like it and, and, I don't know."

Phil smiled at how sleepy Dan was becoming. His eyes were drooping and his speech was broken apart with yawns.

"Dan, that's love," Phil said softly, eyes never leaving the movie on the television screen. Dan nodded against his shoulder and stayed quiet. Phil briefly wondered if he shouldn't have said that, but he couldn't bring himself to regret it.

Enough time had passed that Phil almost forgot their conversation (he thought the boy had fallen asleep) when Dan asked, "Do you ever feel that feeling?"

Sleepy Dan was about the equivalent of a little child. He asked a lot of questions and it took him longer to retain the answers. He didn't have much of a filter because the things he said didn't seem like things a fully-aware, well-rested Dan would say.

"Whenever I look at you, you know. It's like there's a mini explosion in my chest every time I see you. I love that feeling. And I love you," Phil said, looking down at Dan against his shoulder, trying to gauge his reaction.

Dan sat up slowly and looked at him, eyes narrowed and eyebrows furrowed - almost as if he was thinking, or maybe determining Phil's words. After a few minutes, his face straightened up and he smiled a good, happy smile.

"I love you, too, Phil. A lot. And I don't want you to leave because I love you and I don't want to lose you." Dan said. His eyes were beginning to water up again. Phil shushed him and wiped his eyes that had spilled water over his cheeks.

"I know. I know, Dan," Phil whispered, pulling the boy into his arms and laying them down. "I know,"

\--

Dan had fallen asleep pretty quickly. Phil wasn't sure how much sleep he had actually gotten recently, but he knew it wasn't enough. Phil held him while he slept, carding a hand through his hair and sometimes kissing his forehead. He didn't know what to do or how to fix anything, but he let those worries slip away while he watched Dan, watched his chest rise and fall, watched the way his mouth moved while he was dreaming.

It was three hours later, after Phil had fallen asleep, too, when Dan stirred and opened his eyes. He shook Phil's shoulder until blue eyes where met with brown.

"I had a dream," Dan said, his voice raspy with sleep. "And you told me you loved me and I said it back."

Phil grinned and asked, "Did you like it?"

"Yeah, I did." Dan nodded surely.

"Me, too," Phil agreed, "but, it wasn't a dream, exactly,"

"I know," Dan said with a lame smile. Phil laughed and rolled his eyes. He leaned over and pressed their lips together gingerly. They began kissing and touching, at first gentle and sweet, but as time progressed, so did their force.

"I was thinking, Phil, that maybe we could try something," Dan started, sounding nervous, but his hands never faltered on Phil's groin.

"Yeah? What do you want to try?" Phil asked, eyes wide on Dan and mouth parted, his breathing heavy.

"I want you to, you know," Dan started hesitantly, then grinned and wiggled his eyebrows jokingly. "have your way with me."

Phil laughed, despite the seriousness of what they were about do. "But, honestly, are you completely sure?"

"Yeah, I think I am. I'm scared, I'll admit, but it's something I want to do with you." Dan answered seriously.

"We can, if you want. You need to know, though, at any time, if you change your mind, tell me. It's totally fine. And if you feel unsure about anything, tell me. If you're in pain, please tell me. We won't do anything unless you're sure you want it." Phil informed, sitting up.

"I know, I know, you're amazing. I want to share this with you." Dan said maturely, but then he laughed. "I mean, literally. I want to share my ass with you."

"Are you going to be laughing the whole time while we have sex?" Phil asked, though he was laughing too. "I don't think I can take you seriously when you keep joking,"

"You don't have to take me seriously. You can take me any way you want," Dan quipped and started stripping. He pulled his shirt off and Phil watched the muscles in his torso stretch and  contract.

"I want you on you knees first," Phil stated. Honestly, he was kind of unsure with how to go about everything, but he was doing this for himself and for Dan, so he was going to try his best to satisfy the both of them.

"Mmm, dominant," Dan said with a smirk, lowering to his knees. Phil watched as he pulled his shorts and  underwear down.

Dan took Phil into his mouth and sucked and bobbed his head. Phil was feeling nothing but bliss every time Dan would pay special attention to the tip. Embarrassingly fast, Phil felt has abdomen start to tingle. Using all the control he could gather, he eased Dan's mouth from his dick and sighed.

"What? I thought you were enjoying it," Dan said slowly, a glimmer of worry showing through the lust in his eyes. Phil smiled and caressed his cheek.

"That was amazing, but I don't want it to be over so soon," he explained, watching a grin spread across Dan's face.

"That good, huh?" he asked, a cocky look on his face, but Phil only smiled and nodded. Dan stood up and sat himself in Phil's lap, his long legs wrapping around the British boy's naked waist. Phil pushed his hand into Dan's shorts and palmed him over his underwear.

A breath escaped Dan's lips as leaned in for a kiss. Phil thought about how not a minute ago the lips he was kissing was wrapped around his dick, but he kind of liked it. A lot.

"I really want you, Phil," Dan gasped, pulling away. He stood up to remove what was left of his clothes, standing stark naked for Phil to see, and oh did Phil look.

Dan's hair was wavy and the ends curled with sweat. His chest was rising and falling quickly with a flush that that spread up his neck and to his cheeks. His torso was thin and lean, but fit with playing sports. His hips flowed to meet his legs that stretched long to floor. His arms were toned and extended from almost-boney shoulders that met with protruding collars bones, a small crater rested big enough to hold caramel sauce. He was beautiful in every way and Phil couldn't find one flaw.

"You're gorgeous," Phil said, almost inaudibly, his breath taken by the beautiful creature in front of him. Phil wasn't an artist, but he wished he could paint every part of Dan wholly and wonderfully so he'd never forget the feeling in his chest; a constant reminder on a canvas.

Dan jolted with pleasure and he ducked his head. Phil knew he wasn't used to honest compliments.

"Tell me again?" he asked so quietly that Phil almost didn't hear him. He reached a hand out to Dan and pulled him close, laying him down on the bed, stretched out long and thin.

"Gorgeous," Phil whispered, leaning to press a kiss on Dan's red lips. He moved up down his body, peppering the skin with small kisses and sweet nothings, feeling the flesh heat and jolt with every comment. "Absolutely stunning, you are. Just so _pretty_ , Dan. So _damned_ beautiful."

"Phil," Dan whined, eyes wide and hands clasping Phil's hair. He was rutting his crotch into the air, begging for something. "Please, I don't think- don't think I can... I need you..."

"Are you sure? Are you ready?" Phil asked, sitting back on his legs. Dan mouthed a desperate _yes, please_ and pulled his legs up until his feet were pressed against the bed, showing himself entirely. Phil let out a hot breath and nodded. He grabbed we lube and a condom from the bedside table and prepared himself, physically and mentally.

He was going to lose his virginity entirely, going to leave a place he could never go back to, but he was ready for the most part. He was glad to be sharing this with someone who meant so much to him.

He poured some lube on his fingers and looked at Dan, a silent question that the boy answered with a nod. He pushed a finger past the ring of muscle and kept going until he reached his knuckle, watching Dan's scrunched up face.

"Talk to me, tell me how you feel," Phil reminded, staying still. He wasn't going to move until he knew that Dan was okay.

"Okay, yeah, okay, it doesn't hurt," Dan explained, reaching a hand down to slowly jerk himself off. "It's an odd feeling, but I want you to keep going,"

"Okay, good, yeah," Phil said. The whole situation was kind of awkward because they hadn't found a rhythm yet, but it was comforting to know that Dan felt as awkward to have a finger in his ass as Phil felt to his finger in Dan's ass. He pushed the digit in out for a few moments before adding another.

He looked up and quirked and eyebrow at the American.

"It stings a little, but I can handle it," he said. Phil kept going, gradually increasing the pace and scissoring his fingers. He heard a soft moan and looked up to see Dan staring at him, mouth slightly parted, eyes glazed over. "It feels good now,"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, add another," he said, and Phil complied, starting slow, but then getting faster and curling his fingers slightly.

"You're so pretty like this, Dan. Legs open and jittery 'cause you can't keep still. Tight on my fingers and _so incredibly hot._ " Phil complimented, watching Dan unwind and move back against his hand.

"I need more, Phil, I need you," Dan said, nodding at him, and moving his hips back. Phil smirked and pulled his fingers away, wiping them on the sheet and grabbing the packet beside him. He pulled the condom on and lathered himself with lube - probably more than he needed, but he wasn't sure.

He pulled Dan closer and moved his legs farther apart, resting them around his waist. He rubbed the tip of his dick across Dan's entrance before slowly pushing in. He was stretched but still so tight and hot and wet.

"Dan, Dan," Phil whispered, going too slow for his liking, but he wouldn't, couldn't hurt Dan. Instead, he held the boy's hips tightly and said his name and watched himself disappear. Phil wasn't painfully huge, but he swore he could see Dan's stomach bump up a little. He almost came just thinking about it.

"Phil, talk to me," Dan whispered in a breath. Phil looked up and saw watery eyes and Dan biting his lip. His instincts told him to pull out, hold Dan, and fix everything, but he knew the boy wanted this, and he wanted it too.

"Are you okay?" He nodded. "Does it hurt?" He nodded. "Do I need to stop? Do you want me to?" He shook his head.

"Just, go all the way, and- and stop for a second." Phil continued his pace until he bottomed out, then he waited, letting Dan adjust.

"It's getting better, it's just... I've never done this and I'm- I'm kind of worried about it hurting once you move and Phil, you're _really_ big and I'm, like, full, if that makes sense." Dan rambled in a quick whisper, cheeks heating up. Phil couldn't help but smile at how cute Dan was being because he was embarrassed. He reached for one of the brown-haired boy's hands, removing it from the death grip on the sheets, and taking it in his own.

"You're doing so well, Dan," Phil started, knowing how much his boyfriend liked compliments. He remembered reading somewhere on Tumblr about praise kink and wondered briefly if Dan had one. "You're so tight and hot and so, so beautiful,"

Dan moaned and his body became less tense, "Go on, please," he whispered. "Just keep talking,"

"You're taking it so well," Phil smiled, pulling out halfway and pushing back in. "Just relax, baby, you're doing such a good job."

Phil continued his slow pace while murmuring compliments and touching the boy. Dan slowly started grinding back and rutting up into Phil's hand. He wanted, _needed_ , more.

"Phil, please," Dan whimpered, pushing back to meet him

"Please, what? Use your words," Phil teased, pulling out and pushing in faster. Dan gasped and his legs tightened around Phil's waist, pulling him closer.

" _More, Phil,_ " he said with a less-than-impressed look on in his face, and it took all the control Phil had not to burst out laughing - though he did let out a little chuckle.

"Okay, okay," he said, and noticed that Dan was giggling too. He was glad they didn't have to be extremely serious during sex because they were naturally silly people, especially when together.

Phil shifted for a second and pushed in a little quicker than before. Hearing a choked gasp, his head shot up, worried. Dan's mouth was open and his eyebrows knitted together, knuckles white from holding the sheets too hard.

"Oh, my God, Oh, my God." He moaned, eyes closed in bliss. "Keep-  keep doing that,"

"Good, yeah?" Phil asked, and began thrusting at a faster pace, shifting his hips to brush that spot again.

After a few minutes, he felt heat tighten his abdomen again. Phil jerked his hand in time with his thrust, getting Dan closer as well.

"So pretty, so perfect," he murmured, feeling Dan jolt in his hands. The British boy continued his string of compliments until Dan was panting, grinding, and begging for more.

"Faster, _Jesus Christ,_ " Dan moaned, pushing back against Phil harder, writhing on the bed below him as Phil snapped his hips faster and faster, rubbing a thumb over the tip of Dan's dick as he pressed into his prostate.

"Shit, shit, Phil, I-I'm,"

"Come for me, pretty boy," Phil said. Dan's back arched up as he came, shooting white across his stomach and Phil's hands. He cleanched his muscles in ecstasy, sending Phil over the edge, shooting into the condom.  After riding out their orgasms, he pulled out, tied the condom, and threw it a way. He grabbed a piece of clothing from the floor and wiped them clean before collapsing beside Dan.

"I love you, Dan," Phil breathed after a few minutes. "I love you so much, and I'm sorry that I do because I have to leave, but I'll never stop,"

Dan smiled and curled into Phil's side, breathing in sweat, soap, and _Phil_. He pressed kisses against his shoulder and traced lines on his bare chest.

"It was stupid to ever let myself fall for you, so incredibly stupid," Dan stated, looking up at Phil, who looks down to meet his brown gaze. Dan stretched up to peck his lips. "But I'm not sorry, and you shouldn't be either. I'm stupidly in love with you, Phil,"

Phil pulled the quilts over them and settled them back to bed while they cuddled. He couldn't wipe the lovesick grin from his face upon hearing Dan's words.

"No, you're just stupid," Phil teased, poking his side. Dan flipped him off, but grinned when Phil leaned down to kiss him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh la la only one more chapter 
> 
> big question: what do you think the ending will be? I want your theories! Will Phil stay? Will he leave? Will Dan go with him? Will they break up? What do will happen? Tell me!
> 
> Comment and kudos and all that jazz because this story is almost over
> 
> thanks for sticking with me. I love you all.


	16. sixteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Kylie Jenner* I feel like this chapter is really about, like, the chapter of just realizing stuff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah, it's been too long but I've been up to my nose is school assignments, sick with a cold and stress, and busy with the holidays
> 
> also, happy Christmas and happy last chapter

The ride to the airport was short, but it felt like an eternity in Dan's mind. They were taking the bus while Phil's parents and sister drove the rental car to the shop to return it. Dan couldn't stop thinking about summer.

He thought about the time they first said 'I love you's and when they went skinny dipping. Dan thought about all the times Phil stayed over and cuddled in his bed, talking about a bunch of things that didn't matter. He thought about the first time they kissed and had sex and all of the feelings that went with both.

He thought about all the silly fights they had and how he would miss them, even if that sounded dumb. He would miss the late night movie watching and Phil talking about anime and how Dan wouldn't let on just how much he loved it.

Dan watched the buildings pass by in a blur, realizing that he would never look at anything the same. Everything about his hometown would now be linked back to Phil, and while it was comforting to know that his boyfriend would never really be gone, Dan knew it would hurt more than it would help.

They arrived at the airport after what seemed like hours, but also a few minutes. Dan helped Phil carry his luggage, as he had more than when he first arrived. Phil had bought a whole new suitcase just for the things that reminded him of Dan (though about half of the bag was actually Dan's things).

Phil's family joined them in the baggage area a few minutes later. Everyone had smiles on their faces, but Dan knew they were all fake, including his own.

That was something he would never understand; a group of people could all be hurting, but they all pretend they're not in order to make everyone else feel better, but deep down, everybody knows it's fake and it doesn't help, but still, everyone pretends.

But, who was Dan to question why? He's spent most of his life pretending for someone.

"Dan, sweetie, it was such a privilege to meet and spend the summer with you. As far as I'm concerned, you will always have a home in England, and you can visit anytime." Penny offered, giving Dan a hug. Usually, the brown-eyed boy wasn't much of a hugger, but he let himself enjoy it because he really needed some affection.

"I really might take you up on that offer," Dan laughed, pulling away.

Phil's father reached his hand out and Dan grinned dumbly and shook it. It felt nice to have someone's approval, especially a dad's approval, even if it wasn't his own.

"You better visit, son. Phil's never had a friend or a boyfriend as good as you and it'd be shame if he had to miss out on that," Timothy said and Dan nodded.

"I might be up for Christmas break," Dan joked, but he secretly wished he could spend Christmas with Phil. He doubted his parents would be home, and even if they were, it would only make the day worse.

Phil's parents smiled and Dan didn't know if that was a yes or a polite no, so he just laughed and turned to Maddy.

"You've grown a lot since I first met you on the pier. Matured, you know. I mean, look at you! You've gone from a straight white boy to a flaming homosexual," she said, pulling him into a hug. Dan laughed and hugged her hard. It wasn't just Phil that he was losing. He was losing a friend and a family. "Honestly, I think it's an improvement." She laughed before kissing his cheek. Dan's eyes became watery and he clenched his teeth as hard as he could to keep from crying.

He pulled away and looked at Phil, who looked miserable in his bright orange hoodie. Dan sniffed loudly, trying to hold himself together. Phil looked at him and smiled sadly. The American copied and walked into the other boy's open arms.

With his face in Phil's chest, and arms around his torso, grasping onto the fabric of his clothes, he let silent tears fall down his face.

God, he would be so lonely.

"Hey, now, look at me, Dan, look at me," Phil said, patting his back between his shoulder blades. Dan raised his head and wiped his face with his sleeves. "Please don't cry,"

Dan shrugged and pointed at Phil's shirt, "It's wet, I'm sorry,"

Phil laughed and shook his head, "It's fine, Dan,"

"Do you think, um, do you think we'll still be together?" Dan asked quietly, worriedly. His hands were balled up in the pocket on Phil's hoodie.

"I think we'll be together until you get tired of me, not because I'm going away," Phil said, laughing a bit to try and keep the mood light.

"Will we see each other again? Soon?" Dan asked, biting his lip. He knew that things changed in a year's time. They could grow distant and not care, or even break up and never see each other again. That was the last thing Dan wanted.

"I will find a way," Phil said seriously, reaching his hands in his pocket to hold Dan's.

"Okay," Dan said softly. Just then, a lady on the overhead speaker announced the flight to England. Phil smiled sadly again and leaned down to give Dan a sweet kiss. Dan never wanted the kiss to end. But just like summer, it did.

It all happened so fast and none of it actually felt real. Phil boarded the plane with his family and waved goodbye to Dan, who stood watching from the window inside.

It's a weird feeling to see someone you love disappear into the sky, to see them until you can't anymore. It's like watching a movie because it doesn't feel like it's really happening until it does.

Dan watched the sky for a long time after he could no longer see Phil. He waited for the plane to come back down and for Phil to walk out of it and come inside laughing. He waited for them to take a bus back home and spend the night in his bed, watching shows that Phil loved and Dan liked but wouldn't admit. He waited for a long time.

But, none of those things ever happened and he realized that this wasn't a movie and things didn't always happen like he wanted. And upon realizing such things, he also realized that he didn't have anyone to pretend for anymore. So, he left the airport and took a bus back to Folley and then walked home, crying loudly and terribly all the way.

People on the bus and on the streets looked at him oddly, but Dan didn't need to pretend for them, so he didn't. They didn't know him or Phil or that his heart was breaking because of Phil. They didn't know and they never would.

Everything he saw reminded him of times when Phil was with him, and Dan didn't think that would ever change.

He walked into his house and up the stairs in practiced moments, almost robotic. He undressed himself and stared at his bed for a while.

He wondered if he should lay down in one of the spare bedrooms, if he should sleep in a bed that Phil had never touched, but he craved the boy too much and crawled into his own bed. The left side of the bed, where the British boy slept, still smelled like Phil, who was now hundreds of miles away.

Dan pressed his face against the cool pillow and inhaled deeply. He wondered how long the bed would smell like Phil if he didn't wash it.

A whole new wave of sobs crashed over him when he realized that the smell wouldn't last a year, and he would soon forget the exact scent of Phil Lester.

Dan had never truly experienced loneliness before now. There is a difference between being alone and having someone and then not having someone. The loneliness he used to feel was a comfortable empty, a known enemy, but now, Dan felt like a hole had been punched in his chest and the only thing left was a cold and bare crater; as if Phil himself had left his heart.

He calmed himself down to gentle hiccups.

As Dan began growing sleepy, he realized that this wasn't the kind of loneliness that he could run or swim away and he couldn't play basketball until it got out of his system. It was a cold, ever present loneliness.

He stared at the wall and grasped the pillow as if it was Phil and registered everything. He wouldn't be able to physically touch Phil for months - if ever again because what if they couldn't last? It would be ages before Phil could hold him until he fell asleep again. And possibly the worst of all, he was on his own in a way that he had never been on his own before (or possibly had always been, but hadn't noticed until now).

His eyes closed sleepily and he welcomed it gratefully. Images of Phil swirled behind his eyelids as he grew unconscious, one thought staying with him until he fell asleep.

_I will find a way._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's a wrap, folks
> 
> have happy holidays and thanks for reading and sticking with me & this story
> 
> as always, I hope you've enjoyed & I love you


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